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If there is one phrase certain to irritate many birth mothers more than any other, it has to be “You did the right thing.” This particular comment first surfaces when a woman in a crisis pregnancy is considering adoption. Some people felt quite confident in telling a woman at that point that she is “doing the right thing”. They may know almost nothing about her, and yet they are convinced adoption is the best solution for her.
Later, after a woman has made the decision to relinquish, more praise comes her way for “doing the right thing”. In some people’s minds, apparently,if you did not choose to have an abortion, you have done what they consider “right”. However, it is a huge assumption that a woman is always choosing between adoption and abortion. Most birth mothers that I know were choosing between parenting and abortion. I understand that abortion is more common now, but, even so, not all womean consider abortions. Therefore, it is inappropriate to praise them for not having an abortion as they may never have been considering it to begin with. Do not make assumptions that may not be accurate.
Finally, this comment rears its ugly head again often at reunion. When you tell people that you relinquished a child to adoption, some say, “Well, at least you did the right thing.”. I personally heard that comment at least once after my reunion was underway. “The right thing” in my opinion would have been to parent my son.
What’s wrong with this particular comment? Isn’t adoption the right decision sometimes? Of course it is. However, the problem in using that phrase is that generally people make the comment without knowing anything about a woman’s particular situation. Do they might make this comment because they reject the idea that sometimes placing a baby for adoption may not be the best decision?
To Be Continued…………………………………
Funny, they tell the biological mom ‘You did the right thing.’
While they ask the adoptive mom ‘Why did she give him/her up. I could neverrrr do that.’
In all my interactions no one’s ever told me my son’s birthmom did the right thing – it’s always negative assumptions about ‘why’ or ‘how could’ she do that.
What would be more appropiate in that situation for the other person to have said (or asked)? Any suggestions?
~g
i think people just need to stay neutral-which seems to be next to impossible. Simply saying ‘I am sure that was hard” might just be enough. Usually the comment to the birthmother goes in this order..”You did the right thing,but I know that I could NEVER give MY child away even if I was STARVING”
Genevieve,
Part 2 includes my version of what the “right thing” to say is. Basically Ellen’s got it right though. Don’t judge or assume – that’s the key. People who say “I could never do that” have no idea what they could or might do.
Genevive–
Like Jan, I hate to hear the dreaded “you did the right thing.” What I prefer someone to say, if they feel they have to comment, is “That must have been so hard for you.”
It’s almost become a measure of whether I will like someone – whether they go with the “right thing” line or the “hard for you” statement.
- Heather
I think “You did the right thing,” is a deflector statement. It’s along the same lines as “I could never do that.” It’s really meant to protect the speaker from experiencing what she is sensing the other person feels and is living. I know that I’ve thought, on occasion, “I could never do that” when it comes to abortion or taking back a cheating husband or killing someone in defense or whatever. But human beings are capable of acting or not acting in ways they couldn’t predict when the pressure is on and the stakes are so high. You just don’t know. Rather than process all of the complicating circumstances and put yourself in the shoes of people who have Life dump more on them, you allow yourself to keep a safer black-and-white view of the way things work with one of these handy deflector statements.
I heard a lot of them when I was trying to get pregnant: “You’ll get pregnant when the time is right,” “Relax, and it will happen,” “You must not be doing it right,” “Take my kids – I’m ready for a break!” Or even “Try adopting. My friend adopted and she got pregnant five minutes later.”
It’s really a LOT harder to say nothing and just listen or ask what you can do for someone going through a difficult time – to make it a little easier for them.
Heather, it is a measure of one’s sensitivity as to how they respond. Some people who make that comment are just not particularly adept at saying the “right thing”. I believe others woud like to say something soothing, but just don’t understand.
I talk about it for those who would like to say what is appropriate, but, just truly do not know. The insensitive, uncaring people may not be reachable.
Grerp,I have often been amazed too at some of the incredibly insensitive remarks people make regarding infertility. Again, some of it is just stupidity – people just do not understand.