Some question whether or not they should write a letter to make first contact. A letter is less threatening to people. It gives them time to think about their response and to work through their feelings. It allows the person who has been located to take the time they need to make a decision regarding contact and to think about reconnecting with natural family members. It may make a difference between limited contact and no contact at all.

Another positive is that writing a letter gives the person found some control over what happens when. Some feel that a letter is less intrusive than a phone call.

There are additional pro’s to writing a letter such it give the writer the opportunity to include a photograph. There is a saying that a picture is worth a thousand words. For an adoptee this may be the first time he or she has seen biological relatives or for a natural parent who has tried so hard to forget.

There is a down side to writing a letter and that is that you don’t receive an immediate response and you may be left wondering what is happening. If you do not receive a response, try waiting some time before writing a similar letter or if you don’t’ want to send a second letter, you could always consider making a phone call. Writing a letter is not the method to choose for those who are impatient or impulsive. Waiting for a reply can be an agonizing draining experience.

If you are contemplating sending a letter I would consider sending your letter by priority certified ore via express mail so you can have delivery confirmation. You may not know if the person read or saw it but you will know that the letter was delivered.

When you are writing your letter I think it is best to keep it simple and state what your expectations are. Take your time when writing the letter and double check your letter for spelling and grammer mistakes before sending it off. Don’t forget to include a return address in the letter and on the envelope.

In addition, I do think it is a good idea to include a photograph if you are going to provide details of your birth. Nothing can pull a natural parent out of denial faster than seeing a picture of their son or daughter or an adoptee seeing his or her natural parent.

You may also want to consider including a self addressed stamped envelope. Especially if you have reason to believe that there is a possibility that the person your writing to may not be the correct person. This way, they reply or return any pictures you have included with the letter.

Before sending your letter, share it with someone you trust such as another triad member or a member of a search and support group that you belong to. They may be able to help you with the awkward areas of the letter or other issues that may hinder the reunion process rather than help.

Again, don’t panic if there is no reply immediately. People go on vacation, and move, etc. Some may just take a long time to make up their minds. I also suggest not to provide too much background information in an initial letter. There will be plenty of time to share family history. Likewise, keep the number of pictures you send to a minimum. Too many pictures can be overwhelming so I suggest keeping the initial pictures to your self and other close biological relatives of the person being contacted.

It is okay to sing your letter “with lover” or affectionately” where signing with just your name may seem a little cold and unemotional.

If you choose to write a letter, the letter should be written sensitively because it is very possible that someone else in the household may open and read it.

One possible scenario for a letter may be as follows:

Dear Mary,

I am searching for someone name Mary Jane Bundalowvich to whom I may be related. I realize you may not be the only person with this name and therefore may not be the person I am seeking.

Would you please contact me at (phone number and or address) to confirm whether or not you are the person concerned.

I can assure you that any response will be treated with confidentiality and respect.

Yours sincerely,

I may choose to use something similar to this letter but in my opinion I don’t think you should mention adoption at this stage as you know nothing about the person’s private life or situation.

I do believe that it is best to make contact with the person directly when at all possible.