Adoption Search, Birth Family Search, Reunion

Adoption Search Blog

09/18/06

Wraith Explains it Well

Posted by : Jan Baker in Adoption Search Blog at 09:26 am , 433 words, 111 views
Categories: Adoptees Searching

In the continuing series to share some of the blogs that I read most frequently,I wanted to highlight this adoptee's blog. The writer is a friend who wants very much to find his birth family. I want that for him too and want to help him make contact with them if possible.

Although I have discussed why adoptees search on this blog, Wraith just wrote a blog on the subject that says it well. Here are his personal thoughts on why he is searching. Why Search? Wraith was born in Florida in August of 1969. Although he has obtained his non-identifying information from the agency that handled his adoption, he still does not know what hospital he was born in. The agency will not tell him.

He has been told that his birth mother does not want contact. However, the same agency has told others that, when in reality they never even told the birth family member about a search for them. Even if his birth mom does not want contact, Wraith would love to know someone else in his birth family.

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Florida is a long distance from Wraith's home in California. It is not as though he wants a free meal or to move in with his birth family. He has a great job, wonderful wife and son and no intent to overwhelm any birth family member. What he wants is simple - to know his birth family.

Yet, to even find out his birth mother's name has not happened for him. He is not giving up though, and as his friend neither am I! Between the two of us, there is a great deal of dogged determination to continue on despite the odds. It sure would be great though for his birth move to make a move towards him if she even knows that he is searching for him. It is the "not knowing" that is so tough. Does she know that he wants contact with him? Has she been told? Is she afraid? Is she still wedged into that tight birthmother closet of denial? Has she any idea what she is missing out on not knowing her son? He is a funny, charming talented guy, much like my own sons.

Is there some deep dark secret that she fears that her son cannot handle? He is a strong young man and I have faith that knowing the truth, whatever it is, will help him grow and move forward with his life. Is it really asking too much for him to be in touch with the woman who gave him life?

4 comments

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Comment from: MamaS [Member]

Maybe "he" is the "deep dark secret" that she feels her family cannot handle? She was promised a closed adoption and apparently that is what she still wants.
As an adopted mother of three -- two closed adoptions (one asked for information and the other refuses any info) and one open adoption -- I am puzzled about why the consensus of opinion is that searching and finding is a "right" no matter what the searchee wants. I have seen numerous responses that say "when your (bio) child is 18 you can contact him/her no matter what the (adoptive) parents think or want. Call, email, send letters, have other people call for you -- do whatever you have to do to make contact. The same advice has been given to adoptees searching for parents. Is it the current belief that no one involved in adoption is entitled to privacy? Does giving birth to a child mean you must be open to a relationship at any time they choose no matter what the circumstances of the birth? Non-identifying background and medical information should be provided naturally, but does every member of the triad have to expect a knock on the door for their entire lifetime?
Please no flames, I am sincerely asking.

Permalink 09/18/06 @ 16:08

Comment from: Peanut [Member]

Mama, I quite agree. Perhaps the birthmother feels contact too emotional, too challenging, too dangerous... Whatever her reason we don't know, but I do agree it should not be made to seem like she is somehow wrong because that is her choice.The same to be said for an adoptee who has no desire to search.
Also this belief that at that magical age of 18 birth family can spring forth, perhaps uninvited, into someones life is a bit unnerving. I mean this presumes that once the child is of legal age they are somehow no longer part of their family by adoption and so considertions of the feelings of those in that family unit (child included) should be disregarded. Why is that? Does age of maturity mean dissolution of the family (adoptive) as well? Not in my opinion. Reunion effects adoptive parents & birth & adoptive siblings so it should be approuched carefully with consideration to everyones feelings, if and when it is approuched.
This is not to say I do not sympathize with one who is seeking reunion while the person they wish to reunite with is not... it must be devastating. I would wish for anyone searching a happy reunion, but if that is not possible then I wish for them to enventually come to a place of peace.

Permalink 09/18/06 @ 18:58

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthfamily-search.adoptionblogs.com/

Birth mothers in my era were NOT promised closed adoptions; there was no choice. It is a grave misconception that most women were "promised" closed adoptions - it was the only kind available for many years. To assume that we wanted no contact would also assume that we did not want or love our children - rarely the case.

I cannot speak for all birth mothers, but,I know that many agree with me that adopees have a right to know their birth family. That right trumps any desire on the part of a birth parent to stay hidden. Few really want to, bad assumption to make that they do.

I happen to believe it is wrong for a birth mother to refuse contact. She can refuse a relationship, but, at the very least, she should provide information.

No documents can be found proving that birth parents were promised to be kept hidden forever - it may have been assumed in some cases.

I did not search - I was found. However, I believe that birth families have a right to know each other, and the birth parents and adoptees have a right to search. There is room in an adoptee's heart for both families - it doesn't have to be an adversarial situation.

"Spring forth uninvited"? I can't give a short response to that...

Permalink 09/18/06 @ 19:58

Comment from: Peanut [Member]

Well you are right in the past women were not given options, BUT I do know of women today who refuse contact & adoptees who do not wish to search. I would not keep my child from a future reunion, but I would want to know that it was respectfully approched by all. It can become "adversarial" if you encourage people to contact at any expense. To spring forth uninvited (it did say Perhaps) if the other party wants no contact,is not taking everyone's feelings into consideration. That is why I said contact should be approched carefully with consideration(just in case it IS what they want).Everyone's situation is unique.
You say assume, but you assume that everyone wants to be found, maybe most do, but some do not.

Permalink 09/19/06 @ 21:33

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