Adoption is different now than it was in the time period that you often hear me writing about - the baby scoop era. Many believe that coercive tactics no longer exist. However, just because some of the tactics have changed and may be more subtle does not mean that they do not exist. In addition, coercion is not the only issue that prevents a woman from making a valid choice.

When I relinquished my son to adoption, I did not spend months in a maternity home being told how noble a choice adoption was for a woman to make. Nor was I told that I "got what I deserved" meaning that I deserved to not have a chance to raise my. No one lied to me about how long I had to decide after my son's birth to change my mind. Although no one mentioned the possibilty of changing my mind either.

I also avoided social workers and religious clergy patting me on the back and telling me that I was doing "the right thing" and praising me for being unselfish and courageous. Neither did anyone pay my way and then tell me that I could not change my mind since they had already paid my hospital bill. All of these situations I mentioned did happen to birth moms that I know. I sugar-coated these situations in my description for the sake of our family audience here.

There was pressure, but not from outsiders. If no one tricked me, lied to me or otherwise treated me badly, why do I feel somewhat victimized by the birth mother experience? Probably for many of the same reasons the birth mothers of today do, I imagine.

Although no one lied to me about the birth mother experience, they gave no indication that what I was doing might cause any harm to me or my son. In all fairness, their time with me was limited. I spent about 3-4 hours at an agency one afternoon. They asked a million question about my family background, etc. and I assume that I must have filled our volumes of paperwork. I never received a single document however.

I recall vividly the state that I was in that day, and know that it had to be obvious that adoption was not what I wanted. Still, I signed the paperwork and I was 21 years old. In the mental state I was in; I could have signed permission for them to lop off my head, and I wouldn't have noticed.

So, what is my gripe then - no coercion, no pressure from social workers, no long tortuous labor in a maternity home? All I knew about adoption was the general view of adoption at the time. Adoption was a "perfect solution", and not a negative word was ever breathed about adoption. Birth mothers hid, adoptees kept their mouths shut,if they even knew that they were adopted.

To Be Continued......................................