Have you ever wondered why an adoptee may not want contact with his or her natural mother? This is something that can happen even if the adoptee is searching. The adoptee may be afraid of what the natural mother is going to say or what will happen. As many adoptees do, he or she could have built up expectations and is afraid that the first phone call or meeting won’t live up to what he or she is hoping for. The adoptee may also be afraid of hurting his mother and father that have raised him for the last X number of years.

Some adoptees do not want to disrupt their lives or the lives they have been living. They don’t want to throw everything out of the order that they are used to and start changing things. If this is your circumstance, try and be patient. Let him or her decide when the right time is. He or she might have realized that they aren’t ready as they thought to meet. There are a variety of emotions that you may be feeling but it is important so is the adoptees. Give him or her some time and when he or she is ready and feels like they can deal with everything then he or she will come to you.

I think that we all know that the closed adoption era was 30+ years ago and that is a long time. It is not easy to pick up the phone and say hi or I love you or I have missed you. He or she may be scared and nervous and may not even know what to say. If he or she was searching, they probably have lots of questions. He or she might even resent you for giving them up. I always encourage folks who are in this situation to call, write, or email the person they are hoping to hear from. If he or she doesn’t respond, that is okay. No response is better than a response that is something to the effect of telling you not to contact them again. Of course, if you get this type of response, I encourage the wishes that have been stated to be respected. However, if there is no response, I encourage triad members to do this on a regular basis every 4 or 6 months’ especially at holidays and birthdays. What this does is tell the other person that you think of them, you want to be a part of their life, and the door is open for them to contact you when they are ready. It may take some time, so again, patience is important.

This is something that I personally went through with my sister. For the first 3 or 4 years of our relationship we had a true sister/sister relationship. Then I moved 300 miles away and everything changed. When we talked or if we talked changed. We didn’t see one another and eventually all communication from her had stopped. For the first 6 years I would send a card and photos a couple of times a year. The past 4 or so years, I have only sent a card at Christmas time and have always included a photograph. For 10 years, there was no response, then Christmas 2005, I received a Christmas card from her with a personal note asking questions about my life and my life with my husband. It took my a few days but on Christmas Eve, I emailed her as she had asked in her note and we have been corresponding ever since. It has now been 5 months and our contact has increased from email to phone conversations and we are planning a face to face for this summer. So, the point to all this is to keep the faith, be hopeful, and to never give up!