What do you say to an adoptee whose birth mother has refused any contact after having been found? I do not believe that you should dismiss the hurt that this may cause them. Nor should you tell them it is not important; they are entitled to feel as they do.

For many adoptees, connecting with their birth mother means a lot to them. Therefore, it is hurtful when contact is refused. Do not try to talk them out of their feelings, but help them understand.

How do you explain what factors motivate a birth mom to refuse contact? There are no easy answers. Unless you personally know the birth mom in question, you can really only speculate as to her decision to deny contact. However, there are many contributing factors which probably motivate most birth moms who refuse contact.

This is a subject that I have pondered a great deal. I want adoptees to know that whatever the reason, it is due to the birth mother's issue. Just like the original adoption itself, it has nothing to do with them personally. Refusing contact at reunion is a reflection of instability, fear, or other serious issues that a birth mother has.

Rarely does her rejection have anything to do with how she feels about her child. It must be terribly difficult though not to take it personally when a birth mother rejects a request for contact.

As much as I have thought about this subject, I also reach the same conclusions. A birth mom who denies contact must surely be basing her choice on fear. There are a number of ways that fear can affect her. Here are what I believe to be the most common fears that prevent a birth mom from risking contact. She may fear:

 Rejection from her friends and family once they find out that she has relinquished a child;

 That the child that she relinquished will hate her;

 Allowing herself to love and connect with her child because she may be afraid that she will lose her child a second time;

 That she is not strong enough emotionally to handle the stress of reunion;

 That the circumstances of her child’s conception may be too painful for her child to hear and that it is better that they not know;

 That she has nothing to offer her child and that her child is better off without her;

To Be Continued......................................