Continuing on from Part 1 which listed what some birth moms at reunion may fear:

 Contact with her child might seem a betrayal to the adoptive parents;

 Being in touch with her child is unfair to the parents that raised her child;

 What the neighbors may think if they find out. Yes, even now, some birth mothers worry about how others will judge her.

By the way, I am not saying that I agree with or believe that these are logical reasons, I definitely do not.
There are other possibilities as to why a birth mother refuses contact, however, I can only guess. I have never met a birth mom who refused contact, or even spoken to one who did. While I know that they exist, denial is probably a factor in their rejection as well, so, I doubt they talk about the subject much.

It is extremely difficult for me to imagine how a mother could be so callous as to refuse her child even some minimal contact. I can only surmise that she must be in too much pain and denial, and unable to break free of the barriers that keep her shut off from her child.

Sometimes I wish that I could understand and be better able to console adoptees with birth moms who will not have contact. I do know one adoptee whose birth mom took a year before she responded to his initial letter. For her, fear was a huge motivating factor. She was deeply shamed of her unwed pregnancy, worried her family would reject her and worried about being judged by her community.

Working through all the issues involved in reuniting was extremely difficult for her. Her fear was so overwhelming that she needed time before she could take the risks that reunion presented to her.

She needed to proceed very slowly and cautiously and not allow her fear to control her actions. My friend understood that if he was to have any chance of ever having a relationship with her, he needed to proceed at her pace. As frustrating as it was at times, it ultimately worked for him to allow her to control the pace.

Some birth moms must work on their issues before they are able to reconnect. Others are able to work on any problems they have and reconnect at the same time. Sadly, some birth moms are too dysfunctional, frightened or unstable for reunion. Relinquishment creates deep wounds that render some women unable to ever heal and recover. There is generally hope though that a woman might change her mind - it happens often.

If you are an adoptee who has faced this issue and found comfort from others, I would love to hear from you. What words of comfort, or actions have helped you the most?