I have read conflicting articles and documents about what and when to tell their child about their adoption. Some advise to introduce the work “adoption” as early as possible and between the ages of 2 and 4 that he or she is adopted. Some say that if the adoption was before the age of 2 and are of the same race as the parents there is nothing to be gained by telling the child about their adoption until they are at least 4 or 5 years old because they will hear the words but not understand the concept.

Dr. Steven Nickman, author of the article "Losses in Adoption: The Need for Dialogue," suggests that the ideal time for telling children about their adoption is between the ages of 6 and 8. By the time children are 6 years old, they usually feel established enough in their family not to feel threatened by learning about adoption. Dr. Nickrnan believes that preschool children still have fears about the loss of their parents and their love and that telling them at that time is too risky. In addition, there is some question about whether a child under 6 years of age can understand the meaning of adoption and be able cognitively to work through the losses implied by learning that s/he was born into a different family.

Although it is obvious to adults, young children often believe that they are either adopted or born. I believe it is important, when telling them about their adoption, to help them understand that they were born first, and that all children, adopted or not, are conceived and born in the same way. The birth came first, then the adoption.

From personal experience I think that waiting until adolescence to reveal a child's adoption to him or her is not a good idea. Telling the child that they are adopted during adolescence can be devastating to the self esteem and effect the faith and trust in tehri parents.

In my opinion if the adoption took place after the age of two or a child of a different race from there adoptive parents the child needs to be told about their adoption earlier. If the child has memories of their past, I think it is important to acknowledge those memories and provide opportunities to talk about them. It may be a good idea to talk about a previous living situation from time to time but not too frequently as you don’t want to arouse fears of loosing his or her present home.

I believe if the child is of a different race the physical difference at some point the child will become aware of these differences. Whether the child notices or someone points these differences out I think it is important to explain the birth process in terms he or she will understand and that they are the same for everyone but acknowledge that people in different cultures have physical features and their own heritage. I would think that these children would need to be assured their parents love them and intend to keep them.

No matter the circumstances, I think that it takes years of regular/periodic discussions of adoption with the child before they fully understand the meaning of being adopted.