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I recall reading a post some time ago on “What Not to Say to an Adoptive Parent”. It inspired this post. These are some of my favorite comments better not made to a reunited birth mom.
1. “That’s wonderful that you are reunited and everything worked out fine.”
Reunion does not magically “fix” the past or the future. It is a mistake to assume that just because one is reunited means that “everything worked out fine.” Reunion is a wonderful experience, but, nothing makes up for all the years apart. Many adoptees and birth parents would not agree that everything worked out that great, even if they do eventually reunite.
2. What about your child’s adoptive family?
What about their adoptive family? They will decide how they want to react to the reunion. One path is to accept it, rejoice and be happy for their child. Another option is to whine, act devastated, put their child in the middle, and lay guilt trips on them. They can talk about how ungrateful their child is, agonize about what they did wrong, and why they weren’t “enough” for their child. Or, they can chose to welcome their child’s birth parents into their lives, and embrace the opportunity to know them.
3. What about your child’s real parents?
I am “real”. Both sets of parents are. Also see no. 2 above.
4. What a wonderful gift you gave to your child’s parents.
People are not “gifts” or possessions. We do not own our children, therefore, we can not bestow them on other people as presents. Few women relinquishing a child to adoption have in mind that the act is a public service worthy of praise for their generosity. Giving a “gift” is not what adoption is supposed to be about. Most women relinquishing children to adoption are not motivated by the desire to give an infertile couple a “gift”, nor should they be.
To Be Continued………………………………
