.........When an Open Adoption was Closed?


There is so much talk about honesty at reunion. Should a birth mother tell her child that she wanted and expected contact, but that she was denied contact? Do the adoptive parents expect that she will not tell? Is it reasonable to believe that she will not? How will this affect the child's relationships with their adoptive parents? Should the birth mother care about that? Is a better course of action to omit this bit of information at reunion?

I think if I were in such a situation, I could not, nor would I want to keep the secret of what the adoptive parents had done - closing the adoption. For my child's sake, I would try to tell the story as non-judgmentally as possible. However, I would not make excuses for the adoptive parents either. Birth parents have to suffer the consequences of their actions, and so do adoptive parents. When and if adoptive parents close an adoption, I think that they must be prepared for the truth to eventually surface.

There are no pat or easy answers for most of the questions that I pose in this post. For parents to peacefully co-exist at the time of reunion, there must be a great deal of soul-searching and careful consideration of how to deal with the many issues that will arise. Reunion is a time for truth and honesty.

The bottom line though always flows back to what is best for your child. Your child's happiness must always be of paramount importance. However, you must find ways to make peace with this situation within yourself as well. It can't be an easy situation to be in - but, reunion poses many similar challenges. We face them for the love of our children.