Making the decision to have a child is momentous -- it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
~ Elizabeth Stone

Between the negative comments from others and the guilt that birth mothers may heap on themselves, it is hard for many of them to believe that they deserve to have any contact with their relinquished children. I have even heard some birth mothers with children in open adoptions who make comments that indicate that they may not feel that they “deserve” contact. They say that they do not want to “bother” or “interfere” with their child’s life or its other family. Even when the adoptive parents have generously tried to include them, they hesitate and do not want to “impose”. Their self-esteem may be such that they do not comprehend that they are of value to their child.

In a previous post,What Birth Moms Are Told I mentioned many of the comments that birth moms often hear. These comments are often in response to any regret, sadness or pain that a birth mom may express. Birth mothers are “supposed” to be happy with their decision to relinquish their child. When they reveal any sad feelings, they are told that they should not feel as they do. Their feelings are often ridiculed and invalidated. The message that they are sent is that the child that they relinquish is no longer “their” child so, they are “supposed” to disconnect, shut off their feelings and stop loving that child. “Get over it”, “Go on with your life” are two of those comments dismissive comments.

Those remarks tell a woman that the child that she gave birth to should be insignificant to her. It is constantly drilled into their brains that that “time heals all wounds”. There is a whole plethora of comments that I believe are directed at silencing birth mothers. The messages are clear. Here is the gist of what these comments translate into for many birth mothers:

 That they are not mothers;
 That they should not continue to care about and love their child;
 That is they do not recover, heal and “get over” losing their child, there is something wrong with them;
 That having other children will make up for the one(s) they placed for adoption;
 That since they “voluntarily” made the decision to “give up” their child they have no right to grieve or care about their child;
 That knowing that their child is in a “loving” and “perfect” home should be enough for them;
 That if they love their child, they will leave it alone;
 That losing a child is an event that is not significant;
 That their child is “better off” without them; and
 That they could not/would not be good mothers.

Many of these comments serve to undermine and attempt to rob women of their motherhood. They serve to remind birth mothers that they do not matter, and are of no consequence or import to their children. Some of these comments are blatant attempts aimed at "keeping a birth mom in her place". Family members often make these kinds of remarks. I have also heard adoptive moms make quite a few of them as well. Many adoptive moms would never dream of making most of these comments as they understand that birth parents continue to love their children. They also are aware that birth parents can contribute to their children’s lives. However, others feel that the birth parents need to just disconnect and disappear.

Part 3 of What Birth Moms Are Told will discuss how all these remarks can affect a mother and affect her ability at reunion to engage with her child.