When women relinquish children to adoption, there seem to be a number of stock comments that many of them hear repeatedly. These comments may begin before the baby is born, and continue throughout a woman's lifetime. When a birth mom expresses sadness, regret or sorrow, instead of having her feeling validated, here is what she is often told:

 Get over it, put “it” in the past;
 You were too young to be a mother, it would have ruined your life;
 You have no right to that child; you are not its mother anymore;
 The best thing you can do for your child is just walk away and not interfere with its life;
 You do not deserve to know “that” child;
 Stop beating yourself up over the situation and just move on;
 You can have other children of “your” own;
 Stop torturing yourself by thinking about “that” child;
 She is the “real” mother, not you, you just gave birth;
 The “real” mother is the one who changes the diapers, stays up nights when the child is sick, blah, blah, blah;
 Anyone can birth a baby, but, it takes more than that to “be” a mother;
 You did the right thing;
 Don’t you feel good though knowing that your child will have everything?;
 You have no right to call yourself a mother, you relinquished your rights;
 No one forced you, you had a choice, didn’t you?;
 You didn’t “lose” your child, you gave it away;
 You will be sad for awhile, but, time will take care of that;
 Your child turned out great, so you must have made the right decision; and
 Stop wallowing and just go on with your life.

Some of these comments can contribute to a birth mom feeling misunderstood, weak and devalued. Most of these remarks do not validate her or acknowledge her loss or need to grieve.