For the past 5 years, Chris has always acknowledged my birthday in some way. Generally it is with a phone call or a card. Last year, he was here and gave me a present. I always call him on his birthday and send a card and gift. This is all background info.

When I called him on his birthday this year, I got his voice mail – hardly surprising. He is busier than any three people that I know. People often ask me how I find the time to do all that I do. Being 22 years younger than I am, Chris lives at an even more frenetic pace than I do.

When my birthday arrived, there was nothing in the mail, no card or present. I was okay with that as I am late often with birthday cards and presents. I kept telling myself that it meant nothing. When I had tried to call him on his birthday, his home number had been disconnected. That was just a small blip; I knew he had moved recently. He had recently given me his new address. By 7:30 Sunday night of my birthday, I still had not heard from him, and was beginning to get apprehensive. In my birth mother brain, I was adding it up and beginning to think “pull-back”. I have known for some time that pullbacks happen even in the best and strongest reunions. Then my husband pointed out a 60’s song on the radio, and said it was about adoption. He turned it up, I listened, heard talk of “dreaming, searching” and lost it. I burst into tears and really cried. “What if he doesn’t call, I thought?”

With no reasonable basis for believing that Chris was about to pull back or cut off all contact forever, I listened to the words of the song on the radio, and the fragile bit of bravado that I had crumpled. I did what I have not done for a very long time; I let my feelings for my son lead me to a dark place of fear of losing him again. I had told my husband only minutes before that Chris might not call, and bravely said that it would be okay.

I have been saying that for years, that he might someday pull back or leave entirely and that I could handle it. The words of the song hit me though. My tears made me realize how vulnerable I can still be at times. For the past few years, I have seen other strong reunion relationships have their pullbacks. Some lasted months, others for many years. In the back of my mind, I always knew that it could happen to me.


To Be Continued......................................