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Searching and waiting seem to go hand in hand. Waiting really is the hardest thing to do. One example is that when you contact the adoption agency that handled your adoption you have to wait to hear back from them. If you are a natural parent you are waiting to hear if your child has been in contact with them and if you are an adoptee you are waiting to hear if your natural parent has been in contact with them but also your non identifying information. If you are a natural parent who can initiate a search or an adoptee who is making contact through the agency you often times have to wait for a response of some kind regarding the contact.
Some adoptees may ask about their natural father when they are in reunion with their natural mother. Some natural mothers may know where he is but may not have been in contact with him for several decades. The question may become what does the natural mother do? Does she give the adoptee the info about him or should the natural mother contact him first and see if he wants the adoptee to know anything?
I can’t speak for natural mothers or natural fathers but as an adoptee, and if I would have had the opportunity to ask my natural mother about my natural father and she wasn’t willing to give me any information about my natural father would cause me to pull away. My thought process here is that the secrecy between my natural and I was broken and I would hope that my natural mother would understand that the same secrecy between myself and my natural father needed to end as well. For me, if had the opportunity I don’t know if I cold have accepted partial truth.
Now, with putting myself in a natural fathers shoes it may throw him for a loop so giving him a heads up might be something to think about. However, as the natural mother what if you aren’t asked about the natural father? So, my recommendation is to wait for the adoptee to ask about the adoptee and together the two of you put your heads together to come up with something that you can both agree on. The adoptee may want to make contact his or her self or not at all at this point or they may want you to be included.
So….while waiting…don’t play the what if game. Take things one day at a time and cross each bridge as you reach it.
