For adoptees from the closed adoption era, there are several ways to learn about what your birth mother's experience might have been like. One of the best ways is to meet and hear stories from other birth mothers from that era. Reading about the era can provide you with insights as well. Chatting on forums like Adoption.com can help as well.

One purpose of learning about birth mothers is to understand how her experience has shaped her. It could offer some idea of how she felt about the child that she relinquished and her reasons for the adoption. Many of the experiences were negative, however, that does not mean that every birth mother from the era of closed adoptions is a dysfunctional and "ruined" person. Do not assume that all birth mothers from that era are the same; they are not. People adjust to loss in many different ways, and some have the ability to recover better than others.

Although the stories of birth mothers are each different, you will find many striking similarities in their stories. Some birth mothers suffered more than others due to their particular situations. Different personalities affect how we all deal with life events as well.

I offer this glimpse into some history about birth mothers not to excuse birth mothers or hold them totally blameless for the past or present. Understanding can only provide some clues as to why birth mothers in reunion react in some of the ways that they do.

One point that I often repeat is that birth mothers are not all exactly the same. It is important to keep this fact in mind in trying to understand birth moms. No matter what a birth mother has been through in her life and her loss, I think it is important for her to take some responsibility for her life.