The most powerful way to make contact is between the people involved in the relinquishment and adoption. A third party contact the person you are looking for is not generally the best way to start a relationship. It is also not wise to contact other relatives first in the hopes that they may tell you where your natural parents are living or where the adoptee is living. Relating your adoption connection to an unknowing relative could jeopardize your reunion. If you choose to have someone assist you in making contact make sure that he or she is aware of what contact rules are important to you.

It is important to be optimistic and respectful and give yourself time to make contact in a way that will give your reunion the greatest chance of success. If possible avoid making an unsolicited phone call that may be perceived by the other person in a negative manner.

Be prepared to wait for a response. If the person you are looking for has also been actively searching for you then you probably will get a quick response. If they haven’t been looking for you it make take some time before they respond to a letter if that is the method you choose to make contact. The bottom line is that the burden of patience falls on the person who initiates the contact. It doesn’t matter if you are the natural parent or the adoptee. When you make contact, you are catching that person by surprise. Whether it is a positive or negative surprise, chances are that person will need time to adjust. After all, you had your whole search to prepare for this. The person being contacted did not. Three months is a fair amount of time and if you haven’t heard from them within that time period I would suggest trying again.

Having a third party make contact or making contact yourself can be a controversial subject in the adoption community. Some believe that if a third party makes contact it is an aid to have an experienced mediator will help make the initial reunion connection be successful. The third party may be able to act as a liason between the parties to ease some of the awkwardness. A person experienced in making contact may be able to say the right thing and ask the right questions at the right time by sensing the way the call is going.

On the flip side, others believe that nothing can replace the spontaneous nature of the one on one call between the triad members involved in the reunion. In addition it is harder to say “no” to the ones own flesh and blood than third party. The awkwardness of the questions is offset by the tears and intimacy that is real.

As with life decisions, the choice of using a third party to make contact is yours. If you choose to use a third party or if you are required to it is important to be comfortable with the person’s style and approach before the initial contact takes place. There is only one first call.