Many who search sometimes wait until after their adoptive parents are deceased. Some adoptees may feel that even though his or her adoptive parents are deceased they still have to deal with the fear of disgracing their memory as if searching would make a statement against them.

I was only 21 when I initiated my search. When I learned that my natural mother was 29 at the time of my birth I pushed way the idea that she might be deceased. After all, when I started my search she was only 51. When I learned my natural mother was deceased at the age of 52 that idea became a reality and I was plunged into grief. My natural mother had died during my search so I was furiously angry with myself for being too cowardly to search when I turned 18. I was saddened beyond words that I would never hear from her own lips the truth of what happened as I grieved for what might have been.

Within a week of finding my natural mother, I made contact with my sister. After talking with her the first time I found a sense of belonging and a sense of having found my birth right. After finding a grave I visited my natural mother’s grave on a regular basis for several months. There was one particular day that I spent a long time sitting on the ground talking to my natural mother and telling her everything that I would have said to her alive. I allowed myself to cry and feel sad letting my grief soften and come to resolution so that a grateful heart could emerge a heart that could embrace the sister now in my life.

Some adoptees are rejected by their natural mothers initially and when the natural mother chooses contact after a period of time the adoptee may feel overjoyed. There are some natural mothers when contact are unable to face the skeletons in her past and say that she needs time and wants to be left alone.. This rejection may leave you feeling miserable and you may cry all night long. If you attempt contact again you may be rejected again for the same or different reasons. Your natural mother still may not be able to deal with these skeletons. It may be difficult to respect her wishes for several weeks, months, or even years as you are putting your own feelings aside. You may become resentful of your natural mother because she can’t acknowledge you. You may still be able to have hope that one day she will come around and that she is a nice, caring person who was having difficult with her unwanted pregnancy from several decades earlier.