During your search you may learn that a brother or sister had died before or during your search. You may learn that a sibling is mentally retarded, that one of your natural parents has be admitted to a mental institution or a criminal record. You may learn that your natural father was killed in action. All of these examples can leave you feeling devastated.

Some searching may have few negatives but rather disappointments to deal with concerning who you may find. You may learn that your natural parents come from two very different backgrounds which can make it difficult to accept them and to feel a part of their families. You may have felt during your search that you didn’t have preconceived notions about your natural parents but I think it is impossible not to. At first, you may deny your feelings of discomfort when in the presence of your natural parents. You may find yourself more involved than you want to be in the relationship.

There are some adoptees who don’t feel an instant connection with the woman who gave birth to them. Having this expectation can set you up for disappointment and pain. You may try to make yourself go through emotional gymnastics to try to get the feeling and finally withdraw from the relationship and have no contact with your natural parents. Eventually you may have limited contact by phone and letters. You may feel as if you shouldn’t feel that way you feel or want to feel. It is important to honor your true feelings and not compare your post reunion relationships to those of other triad members. You don’t have to define yourself by who your natural parents are. You are a composite of your natural parents genetic contributions and the environmental influences of your adoptive parents but you aren’t limited by either. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. So, the moral to this is for adoptees and natural parents to not to assume and identity that doesn’t really fit just because of flesh and blood and genealogical bewilderment. You may need to separate who you are and have become from who those other people are.

Some adoptees find that they are incredibly angry at being given up for adoption and how lucky they are at the way they are brought up or how unbelievably happy they are at finding their natural family. These feelings can cause guilt and you may feel as if you are a growing child inside an adult body. You may tell your natural mother everything. Sometimes it may be things that you can’t even tell your adoptive mother.

You may learn during your search that your natural mother never married and that you do not have any siblings at least on her side. You may feel angry and expressing that anger may not be easy for you. You may be surprised when these feelings finally come out. You may feel as if you have worked hard not playing the role of the victim and may not realize that there is a part of you that feels victimized by the adoption experience. Healing in a search is through the process not the outcome. All that you uncover is part of the process of moving from the passive chosen to the active chooser. You may find that searching helps to clarify and help you to begin to let go of your own hurt, fear, and anger.