Don't want contact. That's all there is. I said awhile ago on a thread (and got seriously verbally assaulted for it) that I just don't. That relationship boat sailed a long time ago. I get that people don't understand that. Many a forum participant has told me all the reasons why I should. Good for them, but that's not me. I did not come upon this decision quickly, lightly, or without careful thought. It would be nice if well-meaning and even not so well-meaning folks would just take that (from all of those like me) at face value.

Some people don't want contact. They shouldn't be hassled about it. Often it is one side or the other. Either adoptee doesn't or the birthparent doesn't. It seems that is the way more often the not. One side wanting the other side not wanting.

What I have never understood is why someone would make this decision without ever having had contact at least once. We don't make friends until we meet someone, then we decide whether or not a friendship is worth pursuing.

I helped on a reunion web site for a while. So I do have some experence with this.

Plus being happily reunited with my bson for 10 years.

I guess it is just something I won't understand. I'll leave it at that.

AN ADOPTEE DOESN'T NEED TO ASK FOR A MEETING OR BE ASKED TO A MEETING TO HAVE A FEELING OF REJECTION - BECAUSE WE ARE ALMOST BORN WITH IT BUT WE ARE GROWN NOW AND WE ARE STRONGER FOR IT.
THE REASON AN ADOPTEE WOULD MAKE THAT DECISION IS 1 THEY WERE NEVER GIVEN THE REQUEST - WHICH IS WHY A MEDIAOR SHOULD BE UTILIZED, OR 2 BECAUSE THEIR IS A STRONG LOYALTY TO THE PARENTS THAT LOVED THEM UNCONDITIONALLY AND THEY WOULD NEVER EVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT THEM.
I THINK IT WOULD BE EASIER TO CONTACT AN ADOPTEE AFTER THEY HAVE MATURED AND INTO THEIR 30S ,BECAUSE THEN THEY WILL BE INDEPENDANT, MAYBE A FAMILY, AND THE ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEIR PARENTS BETTER TO BE ABLE TO PRESENT THE IDEA WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A JUDAS.
IF THE ADOPTEE DID'T LIKE BEING BETRAYED, WHAT WOULD MAKE ANYBODY THINK AN ADOPTEE WOULD PASS ON THAT PAIN, ESPECIALLY TO PEOPLE HE/SHE LOVES, ALL OVER PEOPLE WHO QUIT AND TURN THEIR BACKS YEARS AGO.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW A BM CAN GIVE UP A CHILD,AND I'M SUPPOSED TO FACE THE FACT THAT APART OF HER IS IN ME (THATS WHATS HUMILIATING!!!)

I KNOW ALOT OF BM HAVE GOOD FINANCIAL/MEDICAL REASONS, BUT NOT MINE

A FRIENDSHIP IS ALWAYS WORTH PURSUING AND BEST WISHES TO YOU AND YOU BSON,I HAVE NEVER MET MY BM AND IT WAS BY HER CHOICE - BUT AFTER TALKING THROUGH A MEDIATOR -I THINK IT WAS A BLESSING

BOTTOM LINE IS THERE ARE REASONS AND THERE ARE EXCUSES NOT TO MEET YOUR BM/BF.THERE IS A TIME AND A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING AND TODAY MAY NOT BE THE PLACE IN TIME FOR THE ADOPTEE.BECAUSE THE WISDOM AND FEELING OF TIME IS RUNNING OUT HAS NOT REALLY KICKED IN YET,BECAUSE WE ARE STILL GETTING GOING.
HOW EVER BRIBERY ALWAYS WORKS- NO MATTER WHAT THE AGE - SO YEAH, I'LL BE BENEFICIARY - HOWEVER WE ALL KNOW THAT CAN BE CHANGED

A gentle reminder to readers:

The use of all capital letters on the internet is the equivalent to yelling in person.

Although the use of "BM" for Birth Mother is more expedient when typing, we generally try to be sensitive to the fact that "BM" is commonly used to refer to bowel movements and is offensive to many birth mothers.

Thanks,
AdoptionBlogs Editor

After a 20 year search for my half-sisters who were adopted as infants, a little over a year ago I found my youngest sister. We bonded immediately, and we both were determined to find our other sister (who is younger than me, but older than the "found" sister).

We pooled the information that we had each gathered, and the agency that was conducting the search found her adoptive parents, and sent several letters. After months of sending these letters, with no response, the agency finally had to close the search. Of course, we were sad, but since our sister is 28 years old, we surmised that perhaps the adoptive parents were trying to "protect" their daughter by not sharing the letters. We had enough info at this point to continue our efforts alone, so we pressed on.

A few months ago, my little sister obtained the information we needed to find the adoptive family. She immediately called the family home, and after several attempts, the Mother finally picked up the phone and spoke to her.

From the start, she was hostile, even insulting. It wasn't until my sister pressed that the Mother finally said, "She doesn't want anything to do with you". Doubting the truth in this (for obvious reasons), my sister advised the Mother that we would respect her wishes if this is really the case, but that we wanted to hear from our sister herself. The call ended abruptly, with the adoptive Mother telling my sister to give up the search, and not to call her again.

Heartbroken, my little sister called me with the news, and together we decided that I (as the older, and somewhat more level-headed sister) would write a letter to the adoptive Mother, explaining our position, and asking her to be a part of the process. A couple of weeks later, I sent a gracious letter (exhaustively reviewed by my partner, therapist and friends) explaining our position, assuring the Mother that if our sister truly does not want a relationship that we would respect her wishes, that we just felt that we needed to hear it "from the horses mouth". In this 4 page letter, I expressed our sincere respect and appreciation for the adoptive mother and family, as her "true family". I asked the adoptive Mother if she would be a part of the process by discussing this with her daughter, and (if she wanted to) by passing on a letter that I enclosed for my sister in an unsealed envelope, which I invited her to read. I advised the Mother that while I would respect her wishes and not call the family home again, we would continue our search for our sister, and would find her, with or without her help. I assured her that our birth mother (who my little sister is in contact with, and I am not) is not involved in this at all, that we simply wanted the opportunity to speak with our birth sister, if only one time. I told her that we would wait a few weeks before resuming our search (to give her time to discuss it with her daughter). I also included my home and cell phone number, address and email address, and told her that I would be honored if she would call me to discuss the matter, or if she needed more time to discuss this with her daughter.

After 4 weeks, we still had not heard from our sister, or her adoptive Mother, so we resumed our search. My sister found her adoptive brother within 24 hours, called him, spoke to him and his wife who readily offered our sister's cell phone number, and assured us that our sister does know that she is adopted (which was a relief, as we had both feared this). Over the next 24 hours, we both called her cell repeatedly (her voicemail was full, so we left no messages). Finally, our sister called my little sister back. She was very, very emotional, and asked many questions. While answering these questions, my little sister let it slip that we had been in contact with her adoptive mother over the last month or so, while trying to search for her. Well, she went BALLISTIC! While she hinted that she truly did not want a relationship with us, she was very angry with her Mother for (as we suspected), not passing on the information. She was also angry with her brother for giving us her cell number. She also hinted that she was aware of the letters from the agency, but that they were not specific that it was birth siblings doing the searching. Needless to say, my little sister was DISTRAUGHT, and while I wished that she hadn't mentioned our contact with her adoptive mother (we had agreed not to share that with her, to avoid this very situation), I couldn't help but be upset with the Mother for keeping our correspondence from her, even after I told her we would continue our search with or without a response.

Over the next couple of days, my little sister recieved 3 truly vile and harassing messages from the adoptive parents. We both felt terrible for "rocking the boat" and for the pain that we knew our sister and her family were experiencing. Finally, the adoptive Mother called me to spew that same bile in my direction. At that point, I had just crumbled. While I knew in my heart that all of this could have been avoided if the adoptive mother had taken the opportunity to talk to her daughter about it, I couldn't bring myself to bring up this fact. All I could do was apologize to this screaming banshee, and promise her that my little sister and I would leave this in Eve's hands. Since she now has our information, she could choose to contact us or not. I promised her that we would not attempt to contact her unless she contacted us first.

I kept my promise, neither my little sister, nor I, called our sister again. Then, last night at 1:30am, the phone rings, I pick it up and hear my sisters voice for the first (and last) time. She coldly stated that "we had no right to try to find her", and that "she wanted nothing to do with us". All I could say is, "We won't bother you again."

Since then, I feel completely shredded; like a part of me has died. Normally level headed, I can't stop crying. But my profound grief is tinged with anger. I can't fathom why it would be so necessary to be so cruel. 20 YEARS of searching for my sister, and I honestly hope that I never hear her voice again. Both my little sister and I have had many challenges in our lives, but this ordeal seems to have broken us both.

We take comfort in eachother. This experience has definitely brought us closer, but the wounds are deep.

Sorry for the long post, but I hope that someone who is preparing to reject a birth sibling or parent will read this, and will consider the impact of their words. You may not know the people that you are rejecting, but know that we are human beings, and that your words and actions cut much deeper than you know.