Adoption Search, Birth Family Search, Reunion - First Contact - Part 1

03/12/06

First Contact - Part 1 - Via Letter

Posted by : Jan Baker in Adoption Search Blog at 04:16 pm , 451 words, 133 views
Categories: First Contact, By Letter

Deciding which method to use for your first contact can sometimes be an exasperating task. If you ask several people their opinions, each one may give you a different reply. The reason that is the case is simply this. There is no one “right” way to initiate your first contact. There are several different takes on this issue. The first method that I will discuss for initial contact is via a letter.

Many people are big proponents of advising others that the initial contact should always be via written correspondence. They advise this means for contact for a variety of reasons. Receiving a letter might be perceived as less of a shock than via the telephone or in person. Getting to know one another by letter can be a good way to begin a new relationship.

However, there are also some drawbacks to sending a letter. If you send a letter, there is some possibility that it might fall into the hands of someone that does not know about the adoption. Another possibility is that unless you send the letter via registered mail or some mode that will provide delivery confirmation, you may not know for certain whether the person actually received your letter or not.

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If you do decide to go the letter route, I recommend that you include a self-addressed postcard for the person to return to you upon receipt of your letter.

On the postcard, you would provide several choices for the person who received your letter to pick from. These choices can include: 1) Received your letter, but, you have the wrong person; 2) Received your letter and am interested in contact, but, need some time; or 3) Received your letter and I am the person that you are seeking, but, I do not wish contact; or 4) Received your letter and will be contacting you soon. You can make up whatever choices you feel most appropriate. It is a simple matter for them to check one of the choices, and mail back the postcard to you. It could make your wait quicker and less stressful if they do.

Another possible drawback of a letter is that you may not get immediate feedback. If you are an impatient type, this may not be the best method for you. I will also mention, however, if you do tend to be impatient, you should consider working on that skill. Patience is much needed in reunion. If you wish to provide a telephone number or email address, do so. Some people are better at expressing themselves on paper than in person or via the telephone. If you are such a person, then initiating contact first by mail might be a good choice for you.

1 comment

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Christi Bender [Visitor] · http://www.MyReunionCoach.com

I think you brought up a lot of great points Jan. I tend to think that some kind of written contact is better than the more direct routes of telephone or in person but there are issues as you pointed out.

When I was contacting my birthparents it was of the UTMOST importance to me that their privacy be respected. I felt very strongly that the fact that they had relinquished me was "their business" in regards to their family knowing. This is certainly something which needs to be considered when sending a letter. As you noted in your post, ANYONE can receive a letter, read it, or destroy it. Taking every effort to ensure proper delivery is a sign of respect.

I would also like to offer the suggestion that people use FedEx instead of certified return receipt. Many postal carriers do not insist on obtaining the signature of the addressee, and in that case you cannot know who actually received the letter. And, it is a common belief that "no good news comes certified" which can further delay the delivery of the letter or have it go unclaimed. By using fedex you can require a signature - although not specifically the addressee's - and fedex is not usually associated with "stressful" news.

In my work with one of my clients we actually chose to have her letter delivered via private courier to ensure that it would be handed to her, and her alone.

There is no right way, as you pointed out, but doing your best to think of all the alternatives can ensure that you are as confident as possible about your first contact.

Christi Bender - Reunion Coach

Permalink 03/12/06 @ 19:53