One of the most poignant questions I have been asked by an adoptee is" Do you think my birth mother ever thinks of me?"

Adoptees want to know:

 Does she think about me?
 Does she miss me?
 Would she welcome me back into her life?
 Does she love me?
 Did she willingly "give me up"?
 Is she okay with her decision?

Below are real comments from birth mothers who have been in touch with me – about searching – being found – loving their children – and missing their relinquished children. I offer these quotes in hopes that they may help adoptees searching or considering a search a glimpse into how many birth mothers feel. They are all verbatim quotes from birth moms:

I pray for the day my now 30 year old son comes looking for me. I would welcome him with open arms. I so badly need to know that he is OK, and had a happy childhood.

"He is the only child I have borne, I hope we get to meet before I die."

How long should a birth mother wait to start searching? I have been thinking about starting to look for him but I'm afraid. I keep thinking that 22 is still a very impressionable age, especially for a young man. I would hate to do anything that could possibly cause him hardship

.

"I have never once regretted the decision I made, but I am now 39 and I suppose I'm looking for some kind of confirmation that I did the right thing."

I was told only to think of what "was best for the baby," and that I should not even think about keeping my baby. The message that I was not fit to parent my own child at 17 was burned into my brain ndelibly.

"For me, the choice to give up my son for adoption was coerced upon me, by my family, and by my lack of finances."

He is the only child I have borne, I hope we get to meet before I die

.

"My heart be still, I remember everything as if it were yesterday."

I would truly love to locate him or at least let him know that I have been looking for him my whole life.

"All they would tell me is that it was a private adoption and the records are sealed."

At the time, I was pressured into giving her up by my mother and by shame. I want desperately to find my only child and wish for the chance to tell her I never wanted to give her up, and I have never stopped loving her. I only wanted to give her the best chance, and I thought that was without me.

"I want to search, but am completely paralyzed by the fear that she may not want to know about me or her circumstances of birth. I feel I could not bear to lose her again. How do I get through this wall? Do other birthmothers get stuck in this limbo?"

I have put my name in the registers available on the internet. My son would be 22 yrs old now. What more can I do to find him? I just want to be available if he has any questions or if he wants to meet me.

"Can you tell me the best way to make myself available to the boy I gave up for adoption 24 years ago? I really want to find him and I would like to make it easy for him to find my should he be looking."

Can you tell me how I might possibly find the son I gave up for adoption thirty years ago

.

"I have to laugh --- when they speak of "free will" and no one is forcing me.. what a joke!! Yeah right, only your parents would disown you and God knows what else and heaven only knows what the reaction of the agency people would be if you had changed your mind and wasted their time."

I would truly love to locate him or at least let him know that I have been looking for him my whole life.

For more voices of Birth Mothers, please visit Ann Fessler's "Everlasting" Project. It is her audio composition based on voices of birth mothers that she interviewed. She blends their voices into a moving portrait. It is another window into how many birth mothers from the closed era of adoptions feel about their experiences.

http://www.inside.mica.edu/everlasting/