I keep hearing so many adoptees with concerns about hurting their parents - birth or adoptive by initiating a search.

First, in regard to birth parents, so many adopted people seem to voice the worry that it might be an intrusion or "disturb" their birth families for them to be contacted. As a mother who was found, here's what I want you to know about that.

For me, and many birth moms, that initial contact is often a profound shock. I would be doing a huge disservice to tell you otherwise. For some it is more traumatic that others. However,no matter how a “found” birth mom or other family member reacts, remember that you are not responsible for how we handle being found. As long as you contact us in a sensitive, tactful manner, you have every right to do so. Be aware of the serious nature of contacting a birth family member. I am not telling you not to be cognizant of how life-altering contact can be.

However, what you should know,is that even for those of us who did not know that we needed or wanted to be found, reunion can have an extremely positive and healing impact on our lives. Instead of looking at reunion solely as “disturbing our lives”, I propose that you should consider that you are giving us a unique opportunity as well.

Not all birth moms react exactly the same either. Some have been preparing themselves for that call for years and longing and hoping for it. For those birth moms, there is little negative side to being contacted. They are simply overjoyed and thrilled instantly and being able to embrace the moment fully if they have already dealt with their past adoption issues.

Either way, by contacting us, you are giving us a wondrous chance for healing, peace and resolution that nothing else really can quite match. For me, as one who did not know that I needed/wanted reunion, I have a sense of peace and completeness that I never knew was possible. (Didn't happen over night - took lots of work and therapy.) That's what reunion (and all that work) has done for me. Reunion began the healing process for me. Not all birth moms have the same result, but, many do. You give us the opportunity, then, it's up to us what we do with it.

Second, for your adoptive parents, you share with them your need to search and reunite. If you're lucky, they understand and support you. Again, handle it as delicately and tactfully as possible, however, the manner in which they handle it is up to them. You are not responsible for their feelings either. If they love you, and are wise, they know that reunions often bring adoptees and their adoptive families closer together.

Some adoptees acknowledge that they tend to work hard to try to keep everyone happy. During search and reunion particularly, be responsible solely for your own feelings. Let everyone else take responsibility for their own feelings. As adults everyone needs to be responsible for their own feelings and reactions to those feelings.

In my opinion, you have every right to know both sets of parents. If they handle it well or not, you are not responsible for how they chose to deal with it. If either set of parents does not handle search or reunion well, blame the system of closed adoption and lack of education for parents, not yourself or either set of parents. And, then work to educate them on how reunion can benefit everyone. It can - and should.

So if you are considering a search, proceed with the idea that you are offering an opportunity, not planning to intrude or hurt anyone. Be sensitive and tactful with all, but, that's all that you are responsible for. For me, as a birth mom who had lots of adoption issues from the past to deal with, I still consider being found one of the best experiences of my entire life. I have told my son that I am so grateful that he found me.