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In Nancy Verrier’s second book, "Coming Home to Self," she tells adoptees that your birth mother is not just a friend, but your mother. She chides adoptees not to pretend otherwise because it is unfair to do so. However, I believe that despite what the reality is – that all adopted people have two mothers – not all adoptees feel that way. Much of our society does not allow for a person to have more than one mother.

One of the most painful proclamations from adoptees in early reunion often seems to be variations on, “You are not my REAL mother. I know who my REAL mother is.” I can’t tell you how many birth parents I have spoken to that have related to me a declaration from their children in early reunion in exactly those words or similar ones.

When a birth parent is not expecting that statement, it is often a crushing blow, a stab in the heart. However, it seems to be pretty popular. In my view, consciously or unconsciously, it is a method to establish boundaries or a way that adoptees can “warn” their birth parent not to expect them to consider you a “parent” to them. It is a way to caution the birth parent not to expect too much.

Not all adoptees feel a need for the "You're not my mother" pronouncement. However, enough do that it is something to realize might happen. If you understand that it is fairly common, it takes at least some of the sting from the comment.

Any birth parent who begins a reunion and expects that her relinquished child will instantly – or some cases ever – call her “Mom” or “Mother” is starting reunion with an expectation that may or may not be met. If that expectation goes unmet, it is really important to handle it in a mature and reasonable way. Many adoptees reserve the title or role of “Mom” for only one person – the mother who raises them.

As birth parents, we may wonder why if our children can have stepmothers, mother-in-laws, etc. who may play mother roles to them, why are they unwilling for their birth mothers to be included as “mothers. Some adoptees call their birth mothers, “mom” or “mother”, others do not. ” Nevertheless, I think we must accept what our children can offer us in reunion, have reasonable expectations and be grateful for what we do have. Reunion is a gift denied to many and those of us lucky enough to experience need to keep that in mind.