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My impression is that most adoptees are better prepared for a negative experience at reunion than a positive one. The stereotypical birth parents are perceived to be young, poor, unstable and sometimes abusive or addicted to drugs or alcohol.
I have heard some adoptees joke that they are pleasantly surprised at reunion if their birth mother is not either in jail or a hooker. Some few do encounter birth parents with heavy-duty issues. The “average” birth parent is probably a fairly ordinary middle class person. I know birth moms who are lawyers, therapists, bank vice-presidents, hair stylists, claims reps, teachers, secretaries – they are a varied lot. One adoptee I know actually did find her birth mom in a homeless shelter.
Given that I know many adoptees expect the worst of their birth families, where do these fantasies fit into the picture? I believe that these fairy tale ideas of perfect mothers must begin in childhood for some adoptees.
Perhaps when adopted children in closed are having difficult times, sometimes with their adopted parents, they may fantasize about another mother out there somewhere. Maybe they when they feel misunderstood or unhappy with their adoptive moms, the fantasies occur.
For some adoptees at reunion, dealing with the loss of their dream mother can be a stunning blow. They mourn the loss of a fantasy even as they reunit with the birth mother that is their reality.
It does not necessarily mean that the birth mother that they find at reunion is not a perfectly decent, kind, loving and stable person. Their loss is for the mother of their dreams. I wonder if we took a poll how many adoptees experience this phenomena?
I would love to hear from any adoptees who would like to share about their own personal experiences with this most interesting phenomenon.
