For birth parents, adoption reunion often brings back renewed feelings of guilt about the decision to place their child for adoption. Memories of that time can come flooding back – the sense of isolation and possibly blame experienced at the same time. There will also be memories of the other birth parent. Feelings which were suppressed can be opened up and birth mother may re-experience crying and the grief of the separation from their child. If the adoptee appears happy and content, the reunion can bring some relief and consolation. However, if it appears that not everything went well in the adoptive home, birth parents can feel renewed guilt and responsibility.

Reunion can bring up feelings of loss and grief. It can feel as if you are reliving the loss all over again 18, 20, or 30 plus years later. The loss of this child can feel like someone has taken the child from you all over again, leaving a giant gaping hole that can never be sewn up again. These feelings can be intensified during the holiday season as well as by birthdays, anniversaries or other life events. The loss can be felt more deeply, especially when it feels like the whole world around you appears to be happily celebrating. Comfort can be found at these times in family and friends.

For myself there has always been a powerful connection between myself and both my birth mother and my adoptive mom. When I try to transfer the emotion into words, I feel as if I short change the essence of the bond. It isn’t identification with these women, because that’s a psychological phenomenon. It’s not a form of awareness, because that’s an intellectual recognition. This is a spiritual, emotional attachment I’m talking about here. I feel it exists but don’t have words for it. I’m not sure if there are words for it but it is extremely powerful.

Dealing with finding a grave at the end of my search has been a profound and difficult process. Accepting the death of my birth mother and dealing with the emotions of finding a grave has helped me become who I am today. I am not the same person I was ten years ago. I still have the same likes and dislikes. I still have the same morals and values that I was raised with, and I am still the caring and loving person that I always have been but now I have a different outlook on life. I have even questioned God and whether there really is a God.

Through this ordeal I have found my answer. Many people say, "Everything happens for a reason." For the longest time, I had great difficulty believing this. Once I started to realize that God is a part of my life, I could see that God has many paths for each of us but it is our choice which path we choose. We may not always understand the reasons or the path God has given, but when we are ready, we will understand.

The person I am today is not the quiet, keep-her-mouth-shut "good adoptee." I stand up for who I am and what I believe in. I am more self-confident in my abilities and myself. I strongly believe I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am if I would have chosen not to search. Now I am happy about where my life is heading. I have been finally able to move on. Sure, I still have many characteristics of an adoptee: fear of abandonment, rejection and difficulty with separation for long periods of time, but this is all part of who I am.

The pain of loss will always be there, but I have learned to live with it. By this I mean that I don't sidestep the pain. I let myself feel it when it comes and this has been healthier for me. When I let myself grieve, I worked through a little more of the pain and am hopeful that someday the pain will ease.

Adoptees and birth parents both experience mixed emotions. There is often much to enjoy sharing and talking about, but there can also be the welling up of a sense of loss – of years which have been missed. The adoptee may regret the loss of the “ordinariness” of growing up with one’s birth family, the acceptance of belonging together. He or she may see things they missed.

For birth mothers and adoptees, adoption effects self esteem, self worth, self blame, and often difficulty with letting others in. However, reunion can give the adoptee the ability to have a sense of who they are in relation, not only to the adoptive mother, but also to the birth mother.