When thinking about making contact with a birth relative, keep in mind that for some birth parents, relinquishing a child may have been the most painful event in their lives and they may have spent many years trying to deny the painful feelings of loss and guilt. The emotion of a possible contact may be too hard to relive.

It is also useful to remember that some adoptees may just want information about their origins and for many reasons, may not want contact. Some adoptees may not be aware that they were adopted so this is something to keep in mind if you are a birth parent or sibling making contact.

Before making contact there are a few things that should be considered before initiating contact. I have listed a few questions that you may want to ask yourself: After doing some soul searching you will know in your heart whether it is right to make contact.

What are your reasons for wanting contact?

Is it just information you are wanting or are you hoping to fix other problems in your life?

What are your fears and fantasies?

Have you thought about the other person’s experience of the adoption? Have you considered what it may have been like?

What might the implications be for yourself and your family?

If you are an adoptee should you inform your adoptive parents, family members or significant others that you are thinking about contact?

Contact can be an emotional roller-coaster ride with emotions ranging from joy to anger. Do you have friends, family or other support networks to talk to during this process or consider professional help if it becomes to difficult.

Are your expectations realistic? What is the least you will settle for?

Are you aware that expectations and wishes may change after contact?

Have you carefully considered all the options and the information you have?

Are you approaching initiating contact with an open mind and a willingness to compromise and accept differences?

Have you considered the possibility of rejection? How will you deal with rejection?

Have you considered or thought about the possibility that the person you are seeking has died? Have you thought about how you will deal with this?
Are you prepared to be sensitive to the other person’s feelings, try to understand them and respect their wishes and the situation?

Are you willing to give the other person the time they need to decided about contact?

How do you feel about ongoing contact?