The first is “You’re special because you’re adopted”. Why do adoptive parents have to say this? We all know that many of us adoptees thought through the years that if this was true, we weren’t special or there was something wrong with us for our natural mother to relinquish us to adoption. Instead, what one could say instead is “you are adopted and this means you are now part of our family and we love you very much. You are a part of your first family too and maybe someday you will meet your natural parents.

The second is “You were chosen”. Again, if we were chosen by one we were not chosen by another. Instead, one might want to say “you were given to us to be our child to raise by your natural parents because they didn’t have the tools when you were born to take care of you. Your natural parents thought that we could help you and love you and raise you because we have the tools now to take care of you and help you be the best you can be. This doesn’t mean that your natural parents don’t love you. All babies and children are loveable. For now, as you grow up we have the privilege of raising you as our child and some day, if you wan, maybe you will meet your natural parents.

The third is your mother loved you so much that she gave you up. A more appropriate statement may be something to the effect of “Your mother loved you and I know that if she could have she would have kept you. Your natural mother will always love you and think of you. She just isn’t able to take care of you. Her choice to give you to us to rais is not a reflection of who you are or a measure of how much you are loved. You are loved and there are two families now that embrace you. This is where you could tell more of the birth story or about the natural parents.

The fourth phrase is “you’re lucky.” Firs off, luck really has nothing to do with it. Saying your lucky is like saying it is a wonderful think to not know where you came from and not know your heritage or history. As an adoptee if I am faced with someone making this statement I simply tell them about what has been challenging in my experience of adoption and has been hopeful and hurtful.

The fifth is “being adopted doesn’t matter. This is like saying that the person’s life experiences or circumstances aren’t important. When I have been faced with this phrase I have explained how being adopted has mattered to me. I have explained what many other takes for granted that adoptees don’t know or have access to.

The sixth is “you should be angry”. First off, who has the right to tell others how they should or should not feel. We are responsible for our own feelings and dealing with them. When I encounter an angry triad member I like to remind them that it is natural to be angry in a situation like this because decisions were made that affected the adoptees whole life and they had no say in the decision. Anger comes with the territory and if expressed in a healthy manner it can empower the person to change, understand, and become a stronger person and to gain control over their own life.

The seventh is “you shouldn’t be sad” Again, the same goes here as number six. Other’s can not tell us how to feel or control our feelings. Feelings are what they are and by telling an adoptee how they should feel isn’t letting that person express their feelings and grief. By expressing these emotions it is actually the mentally healthy thing you can do. If you deny these emotions you are denying the losses that come with the adoption experience.

The eighth phrase I heard the most during my search was “by finding her you are invading her life”. This may be true. I can’t deny that BUT without finding her I would have never found myself. My birth brought our lives together and that holds us together. When I was severed from her and adopted into another family I had to adapt and find peace there. I will never know if the memory of my birth and existence ever invaded her mind and whether or not it was on a frequent basis. I often times responded in a more positive manner when I was approached with a question of how did I think my natural mother will respond to my finding and contacting her. I was comfortable explaining she might be surprised and welcome me with open arms or she might reject me.

These akward phrases will always be a part of the community as long as society doesn’t become educated on adoption issues and how these few words can be interpreted. In most cases, folks who say these phrases have not malicious intent but the words still can hurt.