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I recall reading a post some time ago on "What Not to Say to an Adoptive Parent". It inspired this post.

1. That's wonderful that you are reunited and everything worked out fine.

Reunion does not magically "fix" the past or the future. It is a mistake to assume that just because one is reunited means that "everything worked out fine." Reunion is a wonderful experience, but, nothing makes up for all the years apart. Some adoptees and birth parents would not agree that everything worked out that great.

2. What about your(or your child's) adoptive family?
What about the adoptive family? They will decide how they want to react to the reunion. One path is to accept it, rejoice and be happy for their child. Another option is to they can whine, be hurt, put their child in the middle and lay guilt trips on them. They can talk about how ungrateful their child is, wonder what they did wrong and why they weren't "enough" for their child. They may chose to welcome their child's birth parents into their lives and embrace the opportunity to know them.

3. What about your (or your child's) real parents?
See no. 2 above. Both families are "real" parents, even if one set of parents did not raise the child, they are "real" parents.

4. What a wonderful gift you gave to your child's parents.
People are not "gifts" or possessions. We do not own our children, therefore, we can not bestow them on other people as presents. Few women relinquishing a child to adoption have in mind that the act is a public service and that they are to be praised for their generosity. Most women relinquishing children to adoption are not motivated by the desire to give an infertile couple a "gift".

5. How brave, courageous and unselfish you were.
Some women who relinquish babies or children to adoption are all those things. But, again, it is making a huge assumption without really knowing to say that to someone. Many women who relinquish do not feel "brave"; they felt that they were weak and powerless. They believe that if they had been strong and courageous, they would probably keep their children. There are some women who relinquish that may be unselfish. Others may feel very selfish and not want to parent because they are.

6. I thought babies were a wonderful miracle gift from God, how could you have given your child away? Many of us at reunion do ask ourselves that same question. We wonder too. Now we know how blessed we were and wish that we had cherished our babies and found a way to raise them.

7. I could never have done that.
No one knows what they might do given a specific set of desperate circumstances. Most birth mothers never expected to be in the situation that they were in. To say that "you" could never do what we did impies that we are either subhuman, ultra brave or heartless. Most birth moms I have met are just regular, normal human beings, not alien beings with some special gene that allows us to give our children away without enormous pain and heartache. You do what you feel that you must or what someone tells you that you must do. Desperate circumstances cause hard, sometimes excruciating choices. It was as difficult for us to do as it would be for anyone else.

8. He/She's not really your son/daughter. A child that one gives birth to is our daughter or son - nothing can ever change that - not decades or distance or not knowing else other. The children birth parents relinquish are still ours, but, they are also the sons of daughters of another family too.

9. It must be wonderful to know now that you did the right thing.
Some women who relinquish feel as though they make the right decision. Many do not. Whether it was the right choice or not, to lose a child rarely, if ever, feels "wonderful". No one ever really can know whether the decision was the right choice.