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There are many stages of search and the first is the decision to search. At each stage you will likely encounter folks who will tell you or imply that you have not right to search. It is important to know or be familiar with your particular states adoption laws in order to counteract these attempts.
Another right to know obstacle of others that may be encounters are those who will question your right to disrupt your birth parents lives or your right to betray your adoptive parents by searching. It has been my experience that these people have little understanding of adoption or searchers, but these questions might be something that you yourself have struggled with, and it helps to have answers. If for no other reason than to feel comfortable with whatever decision you make. The facts are that the ‘right’ of adoptees to know and to search is a hotly contested issue. There are a number of interesting places to learn more about all sides of the ‘right’ to know.
The other factors to consider during the decision making process to search is the fear of rejection by your birth family. This is a realistic issue, very common, and not entirely unfounded. The number of birth mothers who reject contact is minimal and those who favor open records is consistently in the majority. On the other hand, birth fathers may be less likely to be welcoming and the reaction from a birth mother is not predictable. I suggest that if you choose to search to educate yourself about the experience of birth mothers in order to better understand how they might be received, and what the best way to approach contact may be.
Another realistic and common issue is the fear of losing whatever identity you have created for yourself. As the need to know may be very strong, they may see race and culture as missing elements that have created their own identities and this can be confused by the actuality. Some adoptees may see the addition of birth family in their lives as a complication. One family is often quite enough. Add to that in laws and friends and suddenly another group of people with their own history, doesn’t always seem particularly appealing. The possibility of finding rejection, poverty, addiction, a mental institution, or a grave in one’s birth family can also be a fear.
I can’t express enough that education about adoption issues can go along way. There needs to be a balance between enthusiasm for the search with a sense of reality as well as a will to adapt to whatever situation you might find. Keeping an open mind is important when soul searching to find the motivations that you have or that you name for searching. Considering what they mean when it comes to making contact and reunion. When you decide to search, you will be riding an emotional roller coaster, you might alienate your family, friends, or significant others. You might encounter something unexpected and wonderful or unexpected and devastating. Search is never something to be entered into lightly and it is important to remember that we can talk about the possible outcomes but as an a
