Adoption Search, Birth Family Search, Reunion - The Power of Words

03/21/06

The Power of Words - Part 1

Posted by : Jan Baker in Adoption Search Blog at 08:36 am , 379 words, 95 views
Categories: Triad Issues

"UNWANTED" - can we PLEASE stop using that word to refer to our children - yours and mine? A few days ago, one of our bloggers spoke of "unwanted" children. I tried to mention nicely to her the effect that word has on many birth moms and adoptees. In addition, I mentioned that it is a false assumption that all unplanned pregnancies produce “unwanted” children.

She understood my point, very politely agreed with me and said that she would change "unwanted" to "unplanned". One of the reasons she said that she agreed with me was because one of her pregnancies was unplanned. However, she knew that she "wanted" that child. Our exchange was civil and positive. All good, right?

Two days later, I read another blog by a different adoptive mom and there was that world again -"unwanted". I don't want to be the word police here, not my right, not my job. However, I know how hurtful that term can be when adoptees see that term used to refer to them. Maybe some adoptees are fine with the term, but others see it and wince. Can we agree that label is not one to toss at them?

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I also know how it pains us birth parents to see people throwing out that term when referring to our children. My son was not "unwanted", he was "unplanned". There is a huge difference. I believe that it is an important distinction.
Relinquishing my son to adoption had nothing to do with "wanting" him or not.

Frankly, I think it should also disturb adoptive parents to see their children referred to as "unwanted". The label "unwanted" has such a negative connotation, and children take on and wear those labels for a lifetime.

As writers, we all know the power of words. If we do not, we should. Words have unique powers to heal and to wound. As members of the adoption triad, hopefully, we should all understand that adoption is an emotionally laden topic. It is complex and has the power to stir hearts and mind. When we discuss adoption, instead of leaping to the conclusion that all adopted children are “unwanted”, can we please agree that “unplanned” is a more accurate, kinder and less hurtful term?

To be continued-----

3 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Naomi [Member]

· http://jewish.adoptionblogs.com/

I agree. My daughter's birth mother's parental rights were terminated by the courts after she spent 15 months in foster care - use your imagination to fill in the details. But it is very important to me that Anna grows up with a positive image of her birth mother. I would never hide the truth from her, but there is a certain way to paint the picture. And as difficult as her birth mother's life was at the time, I knew that Anna was never *unwanted* - and I think that it's important for all people to use the same sort of language in private as well as in public. Certain words just shouldn't be used. You brought up a good point - I'll continue this thought later today on my blog.

Permalink 03/21/06 @ 08:34

Comment from: Dr. G [Member]

· http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/

An excellent point! I'm going to do the same thing and talk about this as well on my blog maybe later in the week. Thank you so much for bringing it to our collective attention. And doing so in a respectful and civil way. I don't think people always mean to hurt with words like "unwanted" but I have to agree it must be hurtful.
Sometimes all it requires for us to change is that someone brings the need to do so to our attention. Again, thanks.

Permalink 03/21/06 @ 08:54

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthfamily-search.adoptionblogs.com/

Thank you both for hearing me! Being heard does feel pretty good! I look forward to reading more from you both!

Permalink 03/21/06 @ 23:32

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