Are you a natural mother searching? Do you feel like you are living in limbo? I can’t imagine searching as a natural mother but I do know what the loss of a child is like. .For those of you who read regularly know we have experienced three pregnancy losses in the past year and a half. I truly believe that until you learn the truth about your son or daughter, whether he or she is alive or dead, know his or her name, and learn some things about him or her, you will continue to live in limbo. Living under the cloud of not knowing is why natural mothers can’t get beyond their continued grief for him or her.

If you find a grave, I am so terribly sorry but you can mourn her, grieve for her and have some closure. If you find and reunite you can celebrate his or her being.

If you are married, is your husband supportive of your search? It is so important to have a support system and a supportive spouse is important. However, what do you do if he is not supportive? Some would say to carry on with your search with or without your husband’s support. Some would say that you have a right to want to know about your son or daughter. Some would say you need to take care of your needs first in order to have anything left for anyone else.

A common response that I have heard from natural mothers is that their husbands don’t understand and is tired of the whole adoption thing. Maybe they just can’t understand how it can be important. Maybe they just can’t walk in the shoes. Maybe some carry a grudge or hard feelings about the life you lead before you met. Maybe some want the entire episode to stay buried and go back to the days when every one was suppose to live as if it never happened.

Times and beliefs have changed. The support group meetings, conferences and the various literature available all speaks of the lifelong affects of adoption on natural parents.

Adoption search isn’t about blame, not blaming yourself or anyone else. It is what it is and the facts are what they are. Accepting responsibility for your actions and choices is one thing but they are in the past, whether good or bad, they just are in the past. Some may find it more helpful to live in the future. Grieve the past but realize you can’t change any of it. If you get stuck, well that can just be counter productive.