9. Another really important way to support a birth mom in reunion is to allow her to grieve. If she has not done much or any healing prior to reunion, she may need to grieve, be sad and cry a great deal. While it is appropriate to encourage her to get therapy and find support groups, let her be sad and cry around you if she needs to. Sometimes she may need or want no words, but, just need a hug.

My husband is a very caring and nurturing person and whenever I cried or was sad in early reunion, at first he wanted to “fix it” for me. He always wanted me to cheer up. Sometimes I needed that. At other times, I knew that I needed to be sad for a time, and did not want to stifle those feelings. I had done it already for too many years.

Finally, I explained to him that crying and being sad was okay and something I needed to do. I also had to give myself permission to be sad for awhile. It was appropriate for the situation to be sad and cry. It went against my nature to be sad, but, I knew that it was part of the healing process. Sometimes I needed and wanted to talk about the situation. Other times, I just needed to be held and comforted with no words or advice offered. Best not to offer advice unless asked.

Allow a mother in reunion the time and space that she needs. Trying to pull her out of her grieving process prematurely will not be helpful. Most likely, she has already gone that route, and it did not work well for her. Do encourage her to seek out a good counselor who is skilled in working with adoption issues. Hopefully, they will have an idea of reasonable time-lines to expect for the grieving process.

Also encourage her to find on-line or off-line support for her adoption issues. Adoption support groups are excellent places to express emotions that you might not feel comfortable discussing elsewhere. Help the person you are supporting to find a good group if possible.