6. Understand that reunion is between a birth mother and her child. It is inappropriate to attempt to make her feel guilty as though by reconnecting with her child, she is somehow usurping the adoptive parents’ role or being unfair or cruel to them.

Reunion is not all about the adoptive parents, and they should not be the main focus. It is most likely that she knows that reunion may pose some uncomfortable times for the adoptive parents. She is probably quite sensitive to their feelings. The last thing she needs is for her friends and family to lay a guilt trip on her and insinuate that she is wrong to reconnect with her child because it might hurt the adoptive family. They have probably had exclusive access to the child for many years. It is not unreasonable at reunion to expect them to stand back and let her be in touch with her/their child.

7. “I am sorry that you had to go through that.” Again, a simple comment that says a lot. It shows that you care and feel badly for her. It does not judge her or indicate that you know exactly how she felt, you do not.

8. If a woman tells you that she is in reunion, do not assume that you know how she feels about it. She probably is ecstatic, but she also has a whole host of other feelings to deal with as well. Instead of assuming you know how she feels about it, ask her. One person that I told about being found said to me, “Oh, that’s wonderful!” and then stopped themselves and said, “Isn’t it?” That indicated to me that they realized that there was more than one way to feel about it. I was pleased that they were not assuming that there was only one “right” way to feel. The usual reaction was, “Oh how wonderful!”.

While I was pleased that people were happy for me, I also needed to explain that it was wonderful, but, always incredibly difficult and painful as well. People often do not seem to understand that reunion is more than all sheer happiness. While reunion brings challenges, the really difficult part is reliving the past and beginning to heal from it. I do not believe the pain comes from reunion, but, from the adoption itself, and the loss issues that may surface during reunion.

To Be Continued........................................