No one has perfect words to offer to a birth mom at reunion. There are none. I blogged awhile back about . "What Not to Say to a Reunited Birth Mom." Here are a few suggestions that might be better received and more helpful to a birth mom in reunion.

1. “That must have been very difficult for you.” When I told a few people after reunion that I had surrendered a son to adoption, some people very simply let me know that they imagined that it must have been a hard thing to do. They left it at that and didn’t blather on saying a lot of really insensitive, uninformed comments. All they did was indicate to me that they believed relinquishing a child to be a significant event. That is really all that is necessary and appropriate.

2. Since you do not know whether the first mother’s decision was right or wrong, do not offer your opinion on that issue. You may be completely wrong, and there is no point in guessing. It may, however, be upsetting to indicate you agree that the person probably was not capable of parenting. Women who relinquish often carry the message in their heads that they are unworthy, and some never have other children for that reason. Do not tell a woman that she was right to place her child for adoption; it only validates her feelings that she is not parent material.

3. Instead of telling a woman how wonderful her reconnection is and how great everything turned out, try to acknowledge that reunion is bittersweet. Understand that reunion often transports a woman back to the time of relinquishment and that is generally very painful for a woman. It is appropriate to congratulate a woman on her reunion, but better not to imply that reunion is a magical solution that resolves the loss.

4. Tell her that if she needs to talk that you would be happy to listen. Then if she takes you up on the offer, listen, but, do not judge. Just be there to support her in a non-judgmental way. It is unlikely that she needs an uniformed opinion, but, probably just needs validation for her feelings.

5. If you find yourself in close contact with a birth mother in reunion, consider reading about the subject. It might be very helpful for you to learn the best way to support her. Reading may benefit your understanding and ability to support her.

To Be Continued.......................................