Reunion is a journey that is emotionally draining on all triad members. The grief and loss that was never really dealt with by the birth mother surfaces because a lot of the birth mothers I know from the closed adoption era made every attempt to “forget about it and move on” We know that birth parents didn’t forget and although they have gone through the motions of moving on, that isn’t dealing with the grief and loss. This combined with the insecurities of the adoptee that was lost but now found.
One issue I know I haven’t touched on yet is shock. This can play a part in the reunion because one party may not have known that the other was searching for them. For the person being found, it is sudden and comes without warning. I am sure that any feelings that were buried may come to the surface and I would imagine be overwhelming.

For an adoptee I think the fear of rejection is a huge issue during reunion. The adoptee searches, finds, and they meet. The early stages of reunion are often referred to as the honeymoon stage. This is where those being reunited feel joy and the sense of being on top of the world. I think that similarities and common interests are discovered and time is spent together in an effort to catch up on life. This may be through letters, conversation, photos, and it can include gifts. I personally felt preoccupied with my sister when we were in the honeymoon stage of our relationship. We spent as much time together as we could and when we weren’t together we were talking on the phone. This is also the time that there is uncertainty about how each other fit into one another’s lives, how frequently contact will be, and how to introduce each other to friends and family.

The second stage of reunion is often times referred to as the time out stage. For the adoptee it might be the feelings of loss from the time of birth and the feelings of the fear of a new loss that that adoptee may need to take a break.

For the birth mother the grief that she has buried for so longs is pushed to the top and no longer can be pushed down. One way the birth mother may deal with this is withdraw from the reunion contact, needing distance from the emotional rollercoaster that may be overwhelming her.

One party pulling way to take a break is okay. It gives the person time to mull over what is happening. Yes, the honeymoon is over but if you understand what is happening, if can prevent issues in the relationship from developing. I personally didn’t understand why my sister was pulling away until much later. I was hurt that she didn’t want to have contact, and I was scared to death of loosing her. Unfortunately, and sadly, my not understanding this several years ago caused our reunion to take a different turn.

The third stage is referred to as the showdown stage. The adoptee is being welcomed with open arms into his or her birth family and now the adoptee will have to deal with siblings who had the affection and attention from the birth mother that the adoptee needed and lacked. I didn’t have to deal with this since on the same level since I had found a grave. I can only imagine that if my birth mother was alive that this would have hurt. I think I would have taken it personally and blamed myself for not being lovable or not being able to be loved by my birth mother. I guess some part of me does believe that I was unwanted and a mistake. Another part of me believes I was wanted, and loved very much.
The fourth stage I believe is referred to as the disengagement stage. This is where one of the parties in the reunion moves away from the other. It is not just pulling back. This can be painful for all parties and the emotions that will surface are anger, loss, and rejection. This stage is more likely to occur if the expectations are too high and/or the differences in the relationship are too great.

The lost-found child who is insecure will not risk the new relationships, and so they cannot risk conflict. They find it easier to slip away, unable to ask the questions that could damage this fragile new friendship with a mother. It is easier to return to the old life where there is no longer emotional distress, just an acceptance of a place in a family and a community that has become familiar. They do not ask the question ‘why did you give me away’ for the reason they already know the answer. Or think they do.

The found mother who must now reclaim this child a second time, has to apply a tough tenacity to the task ahead. First she needs to learn to understand the dynamics of any rejected, damaged child practiced in the unconscious art of ‘testing’ out all new relationships, with the primary goal of finding themselves wanting, unworthy and thus safe in the place where they are always rejected, safe from a need for the love that they know can only bring pain. The answer is for the mother to prove to this adult son or daughter, that her love is unconditional, regardless of what that lost-found-lost child does to reject her affection.

If is very important for the found birth mother to deal with her own emotions and issues through another means such as therapy, support group, beating a pillow, kicking a door, or whatever helps. I think it is important to see the child as an individual instead of the baby you relinquished to adoption many years ago. Each of you has your own needs and although the child is now an adult, inside they are a baby just wanting and needing your unconditional love. That is the greatest gift you can give.

The final stage of reunion is referred to as the solidifying stage. This is the stage where each of you has figured out how you fit into each others lives. The relationship is ongoing. The differences and issues continue to be worked on. The relationship is more solid and settled. Just like in any relationship there are ups and downs but you work through them together.