Unfortunately for my sister, she learned about my existence through my birth mothers brothers after my birth mother had passed away. I would like to think that my birth mother struggled to find the right time or the best time to tell her that she had a half sister. That time never came! She more than likely figured that the odds of us accidentally meeting one another were far fetched. I do believe she just wanted to take her secret to the grave.

My birth father was more than likely not part of the decision making process to place me for adoption. I am not even to sure if my birth mother really knew who my birth father is.

After being in reunion for several years, I had not had any contact with my sister for about 4 or 5 years until Christmas of 2005. We have been communicating ever since via email with an occasional phone call. Actually we have talked once, and have exchanged voice mail messages at least twice.

My point to all of this is that as I mention my sister to others in conversation I find it to be complicated in the terms of defining the relationship between myself and my sister. We weren’t raised together and many of the folks in my life that know me know that I was raised as an only child. Today, I was asked by a business acquaintance if I had brothers and sisters. I actually caught my self pausing before deciding how to respond to that and giving myself an opportunity to decide how much of the adoption journey I wanted to share.

Part of me feels like I am trying to figure out what my sister means to me. Prior to this year, she was not in my life for 5 years. I had come to a place of acceptance that this was the way it was going to be and I couldn’t change it so accepted it. I feel as I have worked though my individual adoption issues and am in a mentally healthy place. I guess I am just not sure whether she is a friend, a confidant, and wonder if our relationship will ever solidify.

My sister and I look nothing a like. She has blond hair and blue eyes and I have brown hair and brown eyes. I am the spitting image of my birth mother and in the first few years of our relationship that bothered my sister a great deal. I can’t help but wonder if she has resolved some of her own issues and whether or not she truly wants to be in my life or if her contact is more about curiosity as to where what is happening in my life. One of the first questions she asked me was whether or not my husband and I have had any kids and after answering no her second question was did we want to have a family.

In the beginning, our reunion was perfect and it was like we were the best of friends. It was like that for several years. We bonded almost immediately and there was never a week that didn’t go by that we wouldn’t see one another. That all changed when I made the decision to move out of the area. I moved 300 miles each and that was the beginning of a major change in our relationship.

I think that the feelings of loss I had with finding a grave were compounded by learning that I had a sister that was raised by my birth mother. I went from being the only child to the oldest child. My sister went from being the only child to the youngest child. I don’t ever remember resenting my sister for being raised by my birth mother. I think because I could see that my life would have been totally different if I was raised by my birth mother. I truly believe that I would be in a different place and living a different life. I had experiences that I wouldn’t have had otherwise.

I think that I questions Who Am I a lot and sometimes I still ask myself that. I have no doubt that my sister did the same thing. After learning of my existence, she learned that the option of adoption of a possibility when she was born as well. Her father shared that with her and my mom confirmed that they were asked if they wanted to adopt a sibling. Today, we believe that because my parents said no, my birth mother chose not to relinquish to adoption a second time. We believe that she felt as if she couldn’t keep us together she didn’t want to separate us like that.
I can understand the circumstances that may have faced my birth mother leading her to choose adoption for me and not for my sister. I have learned so much about my birth mother through my sister and other extended family members. That is something that I will forever be appreciative of.

I don’t know whether or not over time if our relationship will change or what type of relationship it will be in the future. We are separated by several hundred miles. I am careful not to interfere in her conflicts or the decisions she makes and shares. We have a history with each other, for the most part, but the history between her and others did not include me. I actually feel as if we connect more like friends than as siblings. I guess it is because we did not know each other as children and we lost the time together that most siblings have. That may have altered our connection. I don’t know. What I do know is that I am glad that she has chosen to be a part of my life again. It will take time to find that comfortable place but we will get there.