Many of you may not know it, I wear many different hats through out the work week. One of my hats that I had on today was as a Tupperware consultant. In seeing the different families walking by my cash and carry stand I wished that I had been on the other side shopping instead of working. Suddenly, a family came up from behind my stand and they had a child who was screaming, crying, and thrashing on the floor. I am not a parent yet, but it made me think about acceptable and unacceptable behavior and setting boundaries.

Watching this experience, in a matter of seconds, I thought of two questions to myself. They were what are boundaries and when do we need them? The definition of a boundary is something that indicates a border or limit. The more I thought about it the analogy that I came up with was a boundary is like a wall. I wasn’t exactly excited about the analogy and lacked something which made me realize that many in adoption reunion may be hesitant to set boundaries because it does feel good.

As I continued to think about these images of borders, limits, and walls I turned the concept around and started thinking about a boundary as a cushion between us and the demands of a relationship.

A cushion is much softer and when a person feels soft, warm, and compassionate, others feel safer. When people are in a safe place it is much easier to express our needs openly. Isn’t being open and honest essential in setting a healthy boundary?

So, when do we know boundaries are necessary in adoption reunion? The best way that I can suggest to know is asking yourself if you whether you feel balanced or not. If you are feeling out of balance the next step would be to ask yourself if you aren’t saying “no” enough or is it because your reunion is draining you and you need some time to get it together again? You may want to ask yourself if you need to carve out more alone time for yourself? The key is balance and it is my opinion that if you feel out of balance you may be needing to establish some healthy boundaries.

When we feel safe we are able to be honest about our desires. This can enable us to see all the ways that setting up some healthy boundaries or cushions can satisfy our needs and improve our relationships with the person you are in reunion with. Being open about your needs and asking for help can be a big step toward creating a more intimate and connected relationship.

By adding boundaries (cushions) instead of walls in your reunion relationship may help you find a way to replace resistance with cooperation. When the shift is made, new opportunities for honest communication suddenly can seem possible.