I think there are various forms or degrees of separation anxiety. For me separation anxiety had been a fear about others leaving me whom I feel attached and secure. Separation anxiety may be the number one anxiety problem in childhood but is also prevalent amongst adults and in adoption. Some may think that my talking to my mom everyday is a sign of separation anxiety and it may be. On the flip side, it just may mean that we have a close relationship. The signs that are more obvious to me are that I never liked to be in new situation unless someone whom I feel close and safe is with me. As I have worked through this these types of situations have become much easier.

There are many factors that may contribute to the development of separation anxiety such as parental conflict, divorce, abuse or over protectiveness as well as adoption. Just like parental conflict adoption threatens the adoptees sense of security. In adoption the adoptee feels the reality of the birth parent leaving or abandoning the child, which creates insecurity in the adoptee who may then develop separation anxiety.

In my opinion separation anxiety in childhood is actually quite normal. I think it could persist into adolescence and may be intensified when out on your own such as when you leave home for the first time. I do believe that this is one of the life long effects of adoption even if you have traveled through search and reunion, did the grieving that needed to be done, and come to a mentally healthy state in your life. I am not sure if it ever goes away totally but rather one learns or finds a healthy way to cope with this issue.

One of the questions I have asked my self is how I can deal with it. I have found that thinking about how adoption and my family life have contributed to my separation anxiety has helped in my attempts to overcome being fearful. This has helped me to notice and become aware of the ways in which I may or may not depend on others. I have also figured out other areas where I am already competent and remind myself that I may be more independent that I or anyone else has realized. I also have realized that my separation anxiety has interfered with my ability to cope and meet my responsibilities. What I have realized even more is there isn’t one way to do things or a certain way to feel, but there is something all of us can do — and that is to move on with our lives. I am sure that my saying letting go is met with glares, and I understand it is sometimes difficult to let go of what has become a comfortable feeling, even if it’s not a healthy one. Its okay to wallow in it for a while – but then let it go and move on. As a close friend of mine says, “it is just information.” Look at it, and then let it go. Acknowledging information can’t hurt us, but hanging on to it can do all sorts of things to us over time. Life is a journey, no matter who you are and whether adoption is a part of your life or not. We can choose to let the knocks that come with life pin us down, or we can bounce back up and get on with things. It’s not always easy, but it is necessary in order to really have control over ourselves.

One of the main lessons my journey has taught me is that while we cannot control those around us, we can control ourselves and how we feel about things. We can choose to let the facts bother and depress us, or we can choose to learn from them and go on. After doing it both ways, acknowledging the past and then moving on has worked best for me – no matter how hard it seemed to do at the time or how comfortable it felt hanging on to that pain. Moving on does not mean forgetting or not dealing with it.