Adoption Search, Birth Family Search, Reunion

06/09/06

Secrecy in Adoption Part 2

Posted by : Karen Sterner in Adoption Search Blog at 02:46 pm , 316 words, 87 views
Categories: Things to Think About, Things to Think About

Birth mothers who continue to maintain the secret are not given the opportunity to grieve. Birth mothers have often times lost their first child, her family has lost a family member, but yet, like miscarriage, is not publicly acknowledged. There is no newspaper announcement, no funeral, and no grave to visit. Grieving and acknowledging a death is accepted in society, however birth mothers pursue an alternative path of grieving since society generally did not accept unwed mothers. Search and reunion, no matter the results, can create healing. Finally one is able to say what needs to be said to the one person who has most profoundly affected your life.

In society, birth mothers are still not acknowledged to be mothers. Birth mothers have names, faces, hearts, and stories. The adoption experience is a life changing experience. The birth of a child followed by separation is a huge loss. The birth mother feels grief, despair, failure, shame and is traumatized because of the adoption decision. However, birth mothers need to speak out about the impact that adoption has had on them so that society and the adoption community specifically, can learn from them.

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So, how can the secrecy be challenged or changed? There is no simple answer and certainly no right or wrong, but by taking the risk of sharing your story, searching, and participating in a reunion, you will be freed you from being frozen in time.

Wondering what to tell your family and friends is just one question to ponder when initiating a search or prior to reunion. This is normal. The support of family and friends is useful and may help you feel less overwhelmed. Honesty is the best policy. It is a risk to talk with a friend about the feelings and ideas surrounding adoption search and reunion. However, you may be surprised to find interest and support rather than judgment and rejection.

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Comment from: Kathymcneilquilts [Member]

Courage: copyright 2006 available as a limited edition Giclee print - www.kathymcneillquilts.com

Dedicated to my youngest daughter and her birthmother.

I wrote her letters every year until my daughter started school. I still find myself whispering the latest news, hoping that somehow it will find it’s way to her. She would be so proud of this little one we share. A University sophomore, now, 5 feet tall, smart, beautiful, stubborn, and one of the world’s greatest procrastinators.

Is it 50/50? Nature versus Nurture? If so, then we would have a lot to discuss. What came from where? The stubbornness is up for grabs. Her beauty and charm, I definitely will have to concede.

I think about you a lot. Maybe more than our daughter does at this phase of her young exciting life. She is almost the same age as when you made this monumental decision. Would it have all been different if your circumstances at this age had been similar to hers?

The letters have never been read. When my daughter was twelve, we sent extra money to the agency asking that they try and find an updated address or contact. We were told that, after that first year, they had not been able to locate any forwarding information. At this time, my daughter says she is not interested in searching; but the connection between the three of us still exists.

A connection of courage and hope. That little one, wide eyed, trusting that love will help her become the best of whom God created her to be.
Each mother filled with a different type of courage.; hoping that love will conquer many of the obstacles in her path. We share this amazing young woman. I wish there was a way to reassure you that she has thrived with our love. An image of that connection came to me in a way that words could not express. So I made a visual verse from hundreds of scraps of fabric. A quilt that holds the courage and love that all three of us share.

Soon it will be my turn to let her go off into the world. Her wings are strong, her character solid, her choices wise. I will borrow your courage. She will continue to thrive. The 50/50 we have given her will be enough.

Kathy is the mother of two Korean born adopted children. She is an internationally award winning textile artist. The quilted image she made for her daughter is available as a limited edition print. For details contact: www.kathymcneilquilts.com

Permalink 06/09/06 @ 19:46