One thing triad members have in common is secrecy. This has stopped them from interacting with others in an open and comfortable way. Although society may have changed when it comes to search, some adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents continue to have a difficult time talking about "adoption". They still feel the strength of the secret of the adoption and the risks of telling.

Consider the view society had at the time the secret began when appreciating the risk that the birth parent holding that secret might feel by exposing the secret. A birth parent who had a brief intimate relationship in 1948 that resulted in pregnancy and an adoption plan might still live with the perceived “ruin” that exposure of his or her secret would lead to. In today’s society, single parenting is accepted as a life choice, but in the context of the time in which the secret occurred, the birth parent’s fear of exposure can be very real.

Those supporting the birth parent who wishes to expose the secret must also acknowledge that the risks of opening up the secret are real. How much is the birth parent prepared to risk? Does their wish to be fair to the person they were contacted by override pre-existing loyalties? This is a complex question for birth parents who have not told their spouses or significant others that they previously had a child. Their relationship of many years is under real threat if the secret is exposed. Although openness may be the ideal outcome, each individual does need to decide at what cost. Although the adoptee is faced with the frustration of being faced with more secrets and lies, it is important for the adoptee to try to step into the natural mother's shoes.

There is no right or wrong about maintaining or ending the secrecy. There are costs and risks in any event, and the degree to which the secret holds powerful influence can only be judged individually. There are moral issues to be considered - whose information is it? Who “needs to know”? Does one person's need outweigh another's? The secret almost has a life of its own and its power must be respected, while the holder of the secret may always, always question her right to that power.

The effects of secrecy can be never allowing intimacy with others and numbing feelings in order to keep the secret safe. I personally think this is a survival strategy. It could be either the fear of rejection or abandonment issues, or maybe both, that creates these barriers of closeness in relationships.