Search and reunion can be exciting and confusing times. Having some idea of what to expect, and how to handle various situations can be extremely helpful.

1) If you choose to make your first contact by mail, be certain that your letter is vague and non-revealing. You do not know who knows about the adoption, and it is best to let the found party control who they tell and when.

2) When the initial contact is by telephone, inquire as to whether the person is free to talk at the moment. If they sound hesitant or say “no”, either leave your phone number for them to call you back, or ask if there is a better time for you to call. Do not leave a message on the phone with something like, “Hi, I am Minnie and I think you are my daughter.”

3) Try to be as considerate and tactful as possible when you reach your birth family member on the phone or through correspondence.

4) Sometimes just blurting out, “I think you are my birth mother” may work out fine, but, it is wise to be a bit more tactful and discreet than that if possible. It will probably be quite a shock, so, it is wise to take some care to be tactful.

5) If your birth family member refuses contact, respect their wishes and hope that they eventually change their mind. They often do.

6) When tracking down information from others to find your birth family members, use the utmost discretion and do not reveal any more information than is necessary.

7) Remember how you might feel if a birth family member called you out of the blue. You might be skeptical that they were the “real deal” and proceed with caution. Do not misinterpret a cautious attitude as disinterest.

8) Try to reassure your adopted child or birth parent that you understand that they may need some time. Give them whatever time they need and do not take it personally. I understand this is much easier to say than to do.

9) Be honest with your birth family members. At reunion, it is finally time to "come clean" and tell the truth. It is also important to be honest about your expectations in the relationship.

10) Respect the pace that your birth parent or child may need. Timing is crucial in building a new relationship, and trying to push too hard too soon can backfire.


More on adoption etiquette:

Adoption Etiquette

The Guide Miss Manners Never Wrote offers more on search and reunion etiquette.



Photo copyright by Jan Baker 2007