After receiving a few comments on a previous blog titled Stages of Reunion, I thought maybe I should write a little more on this.

First, the parties involved don’t always have to be a birth mother and adoptee. I do believe that these stages can take place no matter who the triad members are involved. It can be amongst siblings, or a birth father and an adoptee, or birth grandparents and an adoptee.

The second point that I think is important to make is that there are no defined time lines for these stages and some of the stages may be skipped all together. Like the grief process, it is possible to go back and forth through the stages for a period of time.

In the book Birthright by Jean AS Straus she refers to these stages using different terms. She refers to the first stage as the fantasy stage where fantasies of the adoptee begin. It is hard to avoid having fantasies in the closed adoption era when there is so little information to go on. Some fantasies are positive and some negative. I personally don’t think that fantasies are limited to adoptees. I think that birth parents have them to. The fantasies are forever changed and altered by the realities of stage 2 that is referred to in Birthright as First Encounters.

Every first face to face reunion is different. It is an emotionally charged time with lots of information shared and questions finally answered. After this “high” questions are asked like who are we to each other and where do we go from here? How do I incorporate you into my life? This is actually the beginning of the third stage referred to in Birthright.

The Morning after is like a roller coaster ride. There is a big let down and if you aren’t aware, it can be unexpected. Although you are related by blood, there is no history between you. You are total strangers to each other. Differences may be magnified. I think this is a good place to do some soul searching and review what your expectations are and define the new relationship. You may feel confused, or that this is complicated and even surprised. These feelings can become overwhelming and when this happens is when I think that people start to pull away or put up a wall.

The fourth stage discussed in Birthright is the Limbo stage. This is defined as one person pulls away often times making the other person feel like they are treading on egg shells, wondering what’s happened. I think it is rare that both parties involved in reunion want or need distance at the same time.

A birth mother recently shared her story with me and said that her family had attended a party with her daughters adoptive family. The next day everything seemed fine but now the daughter isn’t responding to phone calls or emails. I think that this reunion may be in the limbo stage. It is hard for the birth mother who is wondering what happened; what went wrong; or simply what is going on. The answer is that the other person needs time to process the new emotions and work through the past. Making demands on the person will only widen the gap. Try to hang tight, let the other person know you are there when they are ready.

The final stage discussed in Birthright is reconciliation. There is no definite start date for any of these stages so this last stage could be years after your first face to face reunion. This is basically where the folks involved have dealt with their issues, losses, and moved on. Choices are made regarding an ongoing relationship.