Birth parents sometimes complain when the kind of relationship they want doesn’t happen quickly. They may wish for more appreciation of gifts. More contact might be an issue as well. Many issues crop up and have the potential to cause problems. There are disappointments when reunion relationships do not meet expectations.

Sometimes I believe adoptees test birth parents to see how long they will hang in there and keep working on the relationship. They might push buttons thinking that birth parents won’t stick around anyway. Whether intentional or not, some adoptees appear to be testing to see how much birth parents will take before they give up on the relationship.

Adoptees have told me that they believe that some birth parents follow a similar path. Maybe some birth parents intentionally push their children away as that might seem easier than giving them a chance to do it to them.

However, I think what reuniting parties need from each other is unconditional love and acceptance. Birth parents begin reunion with little credibility to start with. We often have to prove our trustworthiness, love and intent to remain in our children’s lives – this time.

Whether we literally abandoned our children or lovingly placed them for adoption, it may feel the same to our children. At reunion, we have to work long and hard to prove ourselves to them. It won’t happen overnight; it will probably take years for them to trust and respect us.

When I hear birth parents or adoptees talking about how hard the relationship is, or about giving up, my response is generally the same. Reunion relationships are complex and take lots of time. There is so much baggage in the way and tall walls built to protect feelings – alot stands in the way of these relationships working.

Reunion relationships can and do thrive given enough time, energy and sheer determination. A reunion may be one of the most significant relationships you ever have, but you have to devote the time and effort to make them work.

Both parties generally need to be committed to the relationship for it to work. They may not both need or want as much, but it helps to be on a parallel course. If expectations are too different, compromises may need to be made for a relationship to survive and thrive. Sometimes, despite your best efforts and alot of time, a reunion relationship may not last. However, many do, so it pays to think positively.