After a lifetime of hearing different variations of "you are not that child's mother", "you should be over your pain", etc. all of which I discussed in Part 1 & Part 2 is it any wonder that many birth moms never search? Or, if found have trouble allowing themselves to reconnect with their relinquished children?

Is it any wonder after years of internalizing all those comments that many birth moms have a hard time reconnecting with their children? After years of trying to extinguish any feelings for their children? Is it surprising that some may have trouble allowing themselves to love and “be” mothers to their relinquished children after years of denying those facts? After all, it has been drummed into their heads that they do not matter to our children. We were told constantly that we were not mothers, did not deserve to know our children. Many of us began to believe all these various comments ourselves. Not only were we told by others that we were not mothers to our relinquished children, we told ourselves that too in order to survive the loss.

We birth mothers of closed adoptions were ghosts. Like ghosts, we were supposed to vanish into thin air never to be seen again.

We were “good birth mothers” if we stayed away and never said a word. Even now, "good birth mothers" in open adoptions are not to complain, have regrets or be ungrateful for whatever contact they are granted.

As mothers enter into reunion, if they have bought into the:

 I am not the mother of the child that I relinquished;
 I do not deserve to know my child;
 I no longer love or care about my child;
 I needed to disconnect/sever my bond to my child and I do so;
 My child is better off without me.

Please understand that I am not attempting to excuse birth mothers who refuse contact. I am simply trying to explain why reunion is so difficult for many of us. If a birth mother has successfully “extinquished" her feelings for her child in her head, and her motherhood role to that child, she may have an exceedingly difficult time at reunion flicking that switch back on. To suddenly acknowledge that she is one of her child’s mothers, loves and longs to know her child may be extremely challenging.