I applaud the adoptees who are conscious of the feelings of hose around them. These are the folks who realize that search isn’t all about them and what they need and desire. It is important to have some respect to the adoptive parents. The adoptive parents are deserving of that respect and they are deserving to come to terms with adoption search in their own way.

It is so much more than searching or being found. There is so much that happens in the discovery process and to make assumptions about what the adoptee is feeling is wrong. All triad members need to be allowed to process being found or finding for themselves and it is a process that need to be respected.

It is important for natural parents to remember that when they placed their child to adoption the child is going to travel a different journey which may conflict with the journey you have lived. Cultural, financial, and religious background may be different and reunion x number of years later can not change those differences. The morals and values are instilled way before the reunion and the reality is that your morals and values may differ. This though does not make the other a bad person.

When reunion takes place the adoptee is not the little baby that the natural mother did or did not see in the hospital nursery. The adoptee is now grown up and has a life that they already have when the natural person searches and finds. It isn’t exactly easy for the adoptee to change the life he or she has and it shouldn’t be expected and should be respected without making judgments It hurts if the found person chooses not to include the person who searched into their life. There is no doubt about that but we have to learn to respect it.

Depending on the circumstances there are times that I have recommended sending a short and simply greeting card to let the other person know they are there when the person is ready. It may take weeks, months, years, or even decades but it can happen if there is respect.

There are some who search and could care less what the other person does or does not have. It is actually kind of scary to be unsure of how it would be if found. On the flip side there are some that would give their right arm to be found and the rest just doen’t matter.

The thing is that the reception you receive should you search be successful should in now way prevent you from at least trying to make contact with the person you have sought out and found. It is scary but this should never make you want to give up your search.