“Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.” – Benjamin Lee Whorf

I think all of us know who powerful words are. We have a friend who was comforting her child with the old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me”. The truth is that there are words used by folks to describe adoption ranging from dishonest and inaccurate to hurtful and discriminatory. In many who have lived adoption feel that these terms may be degrading and removed from our collective vocabulary. Often times, these words disguise reality or perpetuate the myths that the adoption industry would like everyone to believe.

Birth or biological are common prefixes that apply to parents, grandparents and extended family members of adopted children. Agencies and perspective adoptive parents refer to “birth” mothers and fathers whose children have yet to be born. Are these labels an attempt to degrade the importance of a child’s true family? Are the users of this language aiming to convince parents that they are dispensable even before their children have come into the world?

Does using these prefixes degrade the notion that a child can be switched at birth or later in the case of older children adoptions? I don’t really think it is necessary to separate parents who have lost children to adoption from the parents in society. Mother, father, grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousin are all descriptive words on their own. A child has only one true family which makes it unnecessary to use works to mark the difference between relatives and adopters. When one needs to convey the fact that a parent has lost a child to adoption why not use the term “natural” mother/father, or parent? They are just as accurate in relaying the experience of losing a child to adoption but they don’t reduce a parents role.

About 7 years ago, we were at my cousin’s family wedding in OH and my grandma was able to attend. My dad, grandma, and Aunt were in the back of the church speaking with three others who attended the wedding. These women were strangers to me but when I joined the group, my grandma explained to me whom they were and she introduced me to them. For as much as I loved my Grandma and the special bond we shared I was infuriated by her introduction. She introduced me as “this is Karen, my adopted grand daughter”

What about the words “adoptive mother/father/family? These families are not created on paper, upon payment of the necessary fees. Families are created by nature and through the bond that ties together pas and future generations. I have been separated from all of my family over the past several years due to several hundred miles between us. We still manage to share with each other and it is natural for us to do so. Strangers just can’t step in to replace someone’s true family in any situation.
Sometimes I feel as if children are passed around and sold to the highest bidder. The average adoption today seems to start at $25,000. As an adoptee, this would make me feel as a commodity if I knew how much my parents had to pay to adopt me. The families that chose adoption are the parents of the natural parent’s child. It is important to acknowledge the child’s heritage and the natural family that he or she has by nature therefore, wouldn’t it be better to describe the people who adopt children as “adopters”. Adoptees are no longer expected to play make believe when it comes to something as serious as their families. Those of us in the adoption community don’t want to perpetuate the lies that have been created by adoption. Do these lies provide the industry a means of peddling children to wealthy infertile couples?

The child is always the most important thing. Growing up I was taught that honesty is the best policy and that needs to be carried over to the adoption community of today. I didn’t learn of being adopted until I was an older child? That conflicted with the message that I was taught. It took my a long time to work though that and come to a healthy place within myself. However, when I found my natural family, I promised myself that I would not be a party to any further secrets. It was the truth and openness. That has not always been easy but it is better than not knowing or wondering for the rest of my life.