For me searching and finding my natural family brought me a fresh perspective about my adoptive family. For most of my life I felt as if I didn’t really fit in or that I was never part of a “real” family like everyone else. After meeting my natural family, I realize that most people don’t belong to a “real” family whether they are adopted or not. Every family has its own wishes and fantasies to come true. I learned that there are people who make up families and that my adoptive family is the ones that fate gave me. It would be no different if they had been my natural family.

Some of my most intense moments that I have shared with my adoptive family was those that occurred as a result of my search. My mom initially was not supportive. She didn’t understand my deep need to know because of her love for me and because of her own background. She did make a phone call to the intermediary who handled the adoption when I first went to her about searching but it was to no avail.

During my search and after attending an adoption search and support group meeting in Pittsburgh I was able to tell my parents from the heart how much I loved them and appreciated their love and support. After that conversation my parents supported my search and I strongly feel that it brought us closer together.

Once I found a grave the next year or so was an overwhelmingly emotional time but I had my families support as well as aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends and it was with their support that I came through it. My search unplugged a lot of bottled up emotions allow me to share more intimately with my family.

Some adoptees have a harder time communicating with their fathers about search. It is more difficult for fathers to realize that their child is not going to stop thinking of him as their father. Fathers need to know even more reassurance that their child needs him. Once they understand this, the father in the adoptees life can be supportive from that day forward.

Sharing the search with your adoptive family can have a significant impact on the relationships. You will all finally be able to come to terms with the anxieties and discomfort around the topic of adoption through open and honest expression of your thoughts and feelings. Feelings of guilt that have plagued all of you for various reasons may be able to put aside. In addition, everyone knows and feels that in the hearts and minds that your adoptive parents are your “real parents”, the loving people who raised you to be the person that you are today.

There may also be a lot of stress in the adoptive family after reunion with the natural family. Even though the adoptive parents may talk openly there still may be a feeling of anxiety over it all. They may also feel disappointed and confused. They may feel that they were protected from this ever happening and explanations and reassurances may fall on deaf ears. Members of the adoptive family may feel that your searching is being selfish and wrong. The adoptive family may accept the curiosity but not a relations with your natural mother and other natural family members such as siblings. There are some adoptive families who are unwilling to communicate on anything but a surface level and this can make it impossible to come to any kind of resolution. The adoptive parents may feel as you have betrayed an agreement, an agreement that you have no voice.