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I do not mean to imply that I believe that one should give up on life and never have another happy moment in life. Nor do I believe that your life is destined to be totally “ruined” and miserable forever if you lose a child to adoption. However, it certainly is altered forever more than most realize that it will be.
There are some birth mothers who would disagree as to whether adoption has ruined their lives or not. I certainly am not negating how damaging the relinquishment experience can be either. I do believe it is quite profound.
Losing a child to adoption does create enormous lifelong issues for most birth parents. Even the strongest birth parents are not immune from being gravely affected by the loss of their children.
I believe that losing a child to adoption is a highly significant event, and generally has a permanent, lifelong impact on most birth parents. Though many birth parents I know are able to recover and heal a great deal, it is never really “over”.
Some birth parents are able to recover enough to go on with their lives and lead rewarding and fulfilling lives. However, the impact and consequences of relinquishing a child never completely subsides for most birth mothers. Not even reunion has the power to erase the past.
Some people simply do not understand why the impact of losing a child through relinquishment is so all consuming. They fail to understand why it affects birth parents forever.
I sometimes wonder if people believe that because birth parents make a conscious decision (some at least)to relinquish a child, that means that they do not love or want the child. In some rare cases, that probably is true. I suppose it would follow that if people believe birth parents do not love or want their children, maybe they are not expected to grieve for or anguish over the loss of their child. Do people believe that relinquishing a child to adoption is a passionless, logical decision, not borne out of sheer desperation usually? I think some do.
Reunion is not it a magical cure-all for all the woes of adoption loss. Nothing can “make up” for that loss 100%. If you expect reunion to solve all your adoption issues, you may be sorely disappointed.
Reunion can and should be a powerful experience. It can be a positive and enriching time as well. There is also the possibility that reunion can provide a birth parent with a great deal of peace and resolution. All of those expectations are reasonable. The degree of resolution and healing differs from person to person.
There are many birth moms who experienced a great more pain and suffering than I did, and honestly, I am in awe of the many courageous and strong birth moms I have met. They are survivors and have fought hard to overcome the odds and regain control of their lives.
Determination, therapy and support can help birth parents heal a great deal at reunion. It definitely is not easy, but, it is possible. I see reunion as a birth parent’s best opportunity to heal, and finally make some peace with others and within themselves.
