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Some natural mothers are ecstatic to be found. She may even be searching herself. You may discover that you look a lot alike. You may feel as if you are starting to feel real inside.
When making this initial phone call you may feel like you have rehearsed and practices and practiced and rehearsed. When your natural mother gets on the phone your hands may become clammy and your head whirl as you try to learn as much as you can with each word, expression, or hesitation. Your natural mother may deny that she is your natural mother or the person that you are searching for. She may not want to know you or acknowledge that she is your natural mother. You may be questioning if you contacted the wrong person? You may doubt yourself.
If this happens to you, you may want to consider calling again the next day. You may feel like you have to practice over and over again. You may feel that this woman has to be who you think she is and may want to thank her for giving you life. These may be words that you have always dreamed of saying to her. When you place the call, the person may have no feeling in her voice and she may never say that she is the woman that gave birth to you. She may ask you questions like are you happy?
There is no handbook on how we are supposed to act or what should be said. You may speak for an hour not knowing what to ask or say and you both may feel uncomfortable. You may want to follow up the phone conversation with a letter, and photo graphs of yourself growing up, today, and of your children. You may want to consider sending her a book such as The Other Mother by Carol Schaefer. She may not respond and if she does expect her wishes other wise, I suggest consider doing a card or short note at least once a year. This lets her know that you are there when she is ready.
There are adoptees that choose to send their natural mother a letter to make initial contact. Once that letter is received, often times, the natural mother will call the adoptee and have a conversation.
Natural Parents may use an intermediary to make contact. Intermediaries sometime make contact with the adoptive parents even if the adoptee is considered an adult in the eyes of the law. Information and pictures may be exchanged and then shared with the adoptee leaving it up to him or her whether he or she wants direct contact or not. The adoptee may respond with a letter written to the natural mother and sent through the agency and then telephone you. He or she may share with you that they planned to search at some point later in life such as when they finish college. On the flip side of this scenario, some adoptive parents may be totally against contact with the natural mother.
Adoptive parents may feel nervous at meeting the natural mother for the first time. The adoptive parents may be polite and nervous. They may feel scared that they are going to loose you or threaten by the natural parents existence.
One thing is for sure! Adoption Reunion equals healing.
