My previous blog was about boundaries. After I posted the blog, I thought about what happens if the person you are in reunion with erects a boundary and doesn’t do it with open communication? From my experience of talking with triad members I understand that this type of situation leaves one person feeling walled out, powerless and desperate for answers of why are they pulling away.

If this happens it is important to understand what is behind the why. The reason that a boundary may be created and not communicate their thoughts and feelings is fear. When we are afraid, like wild animals, humans have two choices, attack or retreat. That wall of silence in reunion may feel like an attack but I think that most often it is a symptom of fear.

So, if this happens to you, what is the best way to handle this situation? I used the analogy of a wild animal above and the answer to the question I just posed is the same if you were handling a frightened animal. Back up, quiet done, and stay still, then after a while start talking. In reunion, backing up, communicating less frequently and doing it more gently and consistently will create a safe environment. That feeling of safety will eventually enable some communication to start.

I think it is important to realize that forcing your way through a barrier of silence will only increase the feeling which caused the wall to be erected in the first place. You may think you are not a threat but it is impossible to know how you are being perceived. Screaming a reassurance will not work. Instead, all the safe environment to become more solid and stable. When this happens you can begin to slowly and softly share your thoughts and feelings. By sharing without making demands you show through actions that you are not a threat. The relationship can then hopefully evolve into a relationship where both parties feel safe and respected.

If you feel like you are in this type of situation, try to formulate a plan. This will help you feel more in control and increase your confidence as you move forward toward a rewarding relationship.